What did I learn from “Covid”?  Many things, to be quite honest.  As many of us did, I suppose.  

I have a unique perspective on this past year when it comes to other people – mostly because I work with the public.  To be honest, my version of “the public”, are in actuality, “customers” that have become my friends, and in most cases, an extension of my non-biological family.  I work intimately with my guests in a one-chair salon as I am now the only other person, besides my guest, in the shop at any given time.  At this point, my relationships have surpassed “guests” and I have formed genuine friendships with my clientele.  Often times, our conversations tend to be honest, vulnerable and unfiltered due to the environment in which we now interact with one another.  Under these circumstances, the year of Covid offered me a very raw experience of human behavior, inner workings of relationships and lessons in humanity, as a whole.  This is certainly a topic for another day.  An interesting topic, however, what I would like to share with you today is what I learned from this past year, through my own personal life experiences.  My hope is that something I share will resonate with you and, either help heal and forgive yourself, or I hope my story will help you from making the same mistakes as you navigate through your journey in life.  Please, read on and enjoy … 

When my shop got shut down, I was expecting the majority of my stress to be driven by the financial impact and logistical aspect of owning my own business.  Don’t get me wrong, the first eight weeks of the shut down owned this particular stress as I figured out the best way to move forward.  The loss of revenue was extensive.  The scheduling nightmare took me the entire remainder of 2020 to get pieced back together.  It was a mess.  An absolute disaster, in fact.

What I wasn’t expecting, however, was the personal struggle – the inner turbulence, if you will.  It occurred almost immediately after the shut down was announced.  My life had honestly never been this still.  Or slowed down.  When life came to a pause and my work identity was peeled away, I realized that something I have always feared had officially manifested.  I always knew it was just below the surface.  However, I never “had the time” to truly address these things, face them, feel them – And I certainly never “had the time” to heal from them. 

It was a feeling that literally dropped me to my knees within hours of the announcement.  Tears began streaming down my face.  I began experiencing full-blown anxiety attacks – for several weeks.  I wanted to runaway.  I wanted to get out of my own skin.  None of these things were new to me, however, I thought I had grown slightly beyond this way of feeling.  I thought I was slightly further into my journey of healing.  Yet, everything I saw from this slow-motion lens was a direct reflection of what I allowed to become my reality.  What I allowed to become my life.  The reminders were all around me.  They were everywhere.  They were looking back at me in the mirror with empty exhausted eyes, a broken spirit and my unfamiliar body.  They were hidden in the closets, drawers and basement of my home.  They were intertwined within the structure of my broken and disconnected family.  They were in the piles of paperwork, to-do lists and clutter in my home and in my mind.  They were in the overgrown weeds and shrubs in my yard and gardens.  They were in my neglected plant babies.  They were in the dust that coated my Willow Tree angels, my treasured life memorabilia and furniture.  They were in my neglected chore lists and in all of the unfinished home and business projects.  They were in all of the boxes of my life that I had yet to unpack.  They were in all of those boxes of memories and reminders of a life I no longer live.  A person I no longer even want to be.  They were in the silence between myself and my husband.  They were in the lack of interest my sons had in spending time with me, now that I actually had time to spend with them.  They were around every single corner of my home.  They were within the grief and trauma I never allowed myself to feel and heal from.  They were within my feelings of unworthiness and shame.  They were within the quiet moments of the evening when I felt alone.  They were within each one of my thoughts.  In each one of my tears.  They were within all of my many failed intentions.  And, THIS, is where I struggled the most.  My failed intentions.  My paralyzing fear of failure. My very unhealthy relationship with time and even money.  And, my deeply unhealthy relationship … with myself.  It was no longer just below the surface.  It was boiling over and I had no idea how to stop it from happening.

Please understand that when I speak of my unhealthy relationship with time and money it wasn’t neccesarily due to waste of.  It was due to lack of.  In moments, of course, have I wasted time?  Yes.  Have I wasted money somewhere along the way?  Yes.  However, that is not the reason my relationship with these two things remain unhealthy.  I realized that in both cases –  I have spent the majority of my life feeling victimized by both time and money.   I’m not a lazy person, yet, I always feel like I’m running out of time.  I haven’t been irresponsible with money and I’ve always worked very hard, yet, financial stress has damn near killed me on multiple occasions.  Therefore, I have developed feelings of resentment  and negativity towards both time and money.  More on this later.

In those initial moments, in which my anxiety fueled by self-destructive thoughts began boiling over, I realized that it was never about the things I believed it to be.  It wasn’t about time.  How much I had or didn’t have.  Although, full disclosure – I do need to begin implementing healthier boundaries on my time.  However, it wasn’t that simple.  It wasn’t the reason my life felt as though it was constantly spinning out of control.  Money, well, that is another topic.  I’ve never been a money-driven person.  I suppose that was one of my fatal flaws in business ownership.  I never opened a business with intentions to make a lot of money.  I opened my own business to create an environment for others to feel valued.  To create an alternative lifestyle, for myself and my older son, beyond the toxicity of a lifestyle consumed by Corporate America.  I opened my own business so I could offer my passion with my community and create an environment in which I could be my most authentic self and believed it to be my purpose.  I simply wanted to make a difference in the lives of others and not have to choose my career over being a mother.  Money is a tough topic for me, however, I’m continuing to navigate it and learn from past mistakes and belief systems.  This, is a work in progress.  However, for the first time since I was a teenager, I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel – that is not a train. 

What I began to realize within myself, in the early weeks of the shut down, was that my default setting of “busy” was simply a distraction in my life.  Partially, because survival was all I knew.  However, it was also a way of finding a superficial sense of purpose, I suppose.  It was my fear-based distraction from all of the trauma I did not want to acknowledge, feel or deal with.  My default setting of “busy” was toxic.  It was exhausting and unhealthy.  And, at the end of the day, it ultimately left me feeling guilty and empty. 

After months of soul cleansing, evaluating and contemplating my future – I can honestly tell you that the person I am today, is nowhere near the same person I was on March 16th of 2020.  For better or worse – better, I hope – I have begun my most impactful journey of healing.

Prior to Covid, I had become so accustomed to “surviving” circumstances.  This was my other default setting – “survival mode”.  It simply left me feeling defeated, depleted and I was literally running on empty.  I realized that the most important people in my life were only seeing me at my worst hot-mess moments.  Not exactly my finer moments, nor were they moments that I’m proud of, for that matter.  I realized that these people – MY people – the ones I love with my whole heart and soul – have been only getting what is left of me and not the best of me.  Unfortunately, this was our reality for years.  I was officially depleted.  I was growing resentful.  I was losing myself.  And, I was losing them.  While I may have been fighting what I mistakingly referred to as “the good fight”, I hit a wall of exhaustion at warp speeds.  Over and over again.  So often people would comment, possibly even compliment, the levels of inner strength and resilience they often perceived in me.  While I appreciated the sentiment, the truth was … I certainly did not feel strong or resilient.  I was exhausted. Deeply broken.  Lonely.  And was becoming increasingly unhappy.

During the shut down, I decided to take advantage of the time to focus on my life, my home, my family, and myself – I was feeling both numb and paralyzed by the rush of emotions.  I knew that I had to figure out how to fix these things.  To break this unhealthy cycle.  I had to sit down and honestly evaluate why I was feeling all of these emotions, guilt and overwhelm.  It was all becoming too much to  carry and became intensely suffocating.  I needed to figure out – where is this coming from, what is missing and where my journey diverted down this unhealthy and self-destructive path?  I desperately needed to create a strategy to make immediate changes, to shift my thoughts and my perspective.  I was overwhelmed by it all.  I was left feeling hopeless and, while I was able to identify what specific moments sent my life into a tailspin on different occasions, I simply could not identify what was unsettling my soul so deeply – Still. 

Until – it finally became clear in my moment of clarity.

I had been living a life fueled by adrenaline, lack of sleep and too much caffeine.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I was living this life out from under the “survival mode” umbrella.  My identity was always attached to my experiences as a teenage single mother.  To a single mother forced to choose between my job in corporate america or time with my son.  To a young woman that found love and acceptance in unhealthy and unattainable relationships.  To the wife of an alcoholic, which often resulted in a toxic home environment and emotional abuse.  To a struggling small business owner.  To a second round of single motherhood in my late twenties thru my mid thirties, while attempting to hold together my business.  To heartwrenching pain from grief and loss. To being a very shy, lonely and painfully broken little girl, who found no power in having her own voice.  To believing that I ruined everything I touched and that I was unlovable.  To the trauma of almost losing my son to an unexpected medical issue.  To navigating his PSTD from that horrific experience – and mine.  To feeling overwhelmingly lonely, especially in the presence of those who should unconditionally love me and make me feel safe.  

All of these identities have been so overpowering – For as long as I can remember.  Survival mode became my most natural pace and way of life.  I simply became accustomed to doing what needed to be done, instead of taking time to acknowledge, evaluate and heal.  It was simply my way, because it had to be.  Giving up was not an option.  Neither was affording myself the luxury of feeling sorry for myself.  I’ve recently learned that while I always felt an overwhelming desire to offer my boys a better life, it never truly dawned on me that, I too, deserved that same quality of life.  It was almost as if I was stuck in a place of limbo … Between a life I wanted and the life I thought I deserved.  I had been settling.  It has been an everlasting struggle within my low sense of self-worth and the lack of recognizing my own level of deservability.

During my recent moments of clarity and soul searching, I realized that I dedicated the majority of my adult life to nurturing others, apologizing for others and desperately wanting to fix everything for everyone.  Even if it meant extensive levels of self-sacrifice.  I had been this way as long as I can remember – even throughout my childhood.   It is simply the person I most identify with.  One of my greatest fears is to be perceived as selfish or unkind.  An even greater fear of mine, however, is to let others down.  To make others feel unworthy, undervalued or unloved.  I have a deeply seeded fear of being this kind of person.  So much, in fact, that in my purest efforts to be inclusive to others … I abandoned myself. 

So, as I looked around, in those early moments of the shut down … this realization boiled over the surface of my being, of my soul, of my spirit.  I realized that all of the “failed intentions” were simply a reflection of one thing and one thing only – Me.  Mostly, the way I choose to treat myself.  The reality I’ve settled for.  My whole life I’ve chosen to honor the feelings of others more than I honor my own.  I passionately created an entire business model around offering a sanctuary to others.  A place to feel welcomed.  Valued.  Safe. Loved. Appreciated. Respected.  It was less of a “business” and more of a sanctuary for others to escape to – To heal and have their own voice within.  Ironically, I literally created, for others, the very thing that I was lacking in my own life. In recognizing how many other people needed a place of healing, just as I needed it – I subconsciously created an escape for others, at the expense of my own health and well-being.  While my original intentions were overly enthusiastic and a tad unrealistic, they were always pure.  I have no doubt that I did a thousand things wrong along the way, I’m sure there are moments that I have no recollection of, at this point.  All I know is that before I knew it, I was overwhelmed by unhealthy amounts of stress.  Not only did I sacrifice myself financially, emotionally and physically – I, most regrettably, sacrificed the well-being of my boys, as well.  This guilt – It almost killed me one day.  It simply became to much for me to bear.  I’ve never, in my life, felt the excruciating level of defeat as I did in those moments.  As a parent, there is no greater defeat than that of failing your children.  This, was one of my first moments of clarity that prompted many life changes in recent years.

The shut down, amidst Covid times, was an instant flashback to my past.  After fighting so hard to make positive changes in our lives, I was genuinely caught off guard by how my feelings of defeat, in those early Covid moments, mirrored the experience I just described to you.  I felt overwhelmingly defeated and vulnerable – Again.  I then realized that throughout the many levels of change, realizations and repriorizing, there was STILL one thing that I was lacking.  One thing I still was not understanding.  My one greatest downfall.  I was still not honoring myself.  I was still not priorizing self-care.  I was still not speaking to myself the way I speak to others.  I was still not treating myself the way I treated others.  I was allowing self-limiting beliefs and negative self-talk to distract my intentions and pull me from my true purpose.  I was not allowing myself to be my most authentic version of the person I want to be.  I was allowing other people, especially their expectations of me, to hold power over my time and my energy.  I was STILL not allowing myself to use my voice.  To speak my truth.  To grieve.  To heal.  And, everything in my life was reflective of this fact.  My family.  My home.  My business.  My health. My finances. My schedule. My body.  My mind. My heart. My soul.   

And just like that – I decided that I was no longer going to allow my spirit to be held hostage.  Not by my past.  Not by this current circumstance.  Not by fear.  Not by anyone. Not by anything.  And certainly … not by my own self-limiting beliefs!

Even though I remain a work-in-progress and most days are still a struggle, I do my best to gently reminding myself:

I am worthy.  I do deserve better.  I do deserve more.  I do deserve to be loved.  I deserve to design a life that I love.

I am worthy.  I will have my own voice (even IF it shakes). I will establish boundaries.  I will say no.  I will priorize self-care.  I. Will. Honor. Myself. And. Live. Authentically.

I am worthy.  I give myself permission to feel.  To grieve.  To rest.  To just be.  

I am worthy.  I will continue to share.  To be empowered.  To empower.  To be inspired.  To inspire.  I will rise.  I will help others to rise up, as well.

I am worthy.  I will continue to navigate my journey of healing.  I will begin to offer those I love – and myself – The best of me and no longer what is left of me.

My wings, while they may be broken, they can heal.  I so desperately yearn to fly – to be free.  To finally have a voice.  A voice to speak my truth.  To finally create a reality that aligns with my soul and my purpose.  It is my greatest hope to share, to inspire and to help heal others along the way.  

What I have learned is that we are forever evolving as human beings.  There is something powerful in our vulnerable moments.  There is something powerful when our words resonate with a stranger.  It is simply proof that we are much more alike than we are different.  It is helpful to know, that especially in our dark and lonely moments, we are not walking this journey alone.  We are not lost.  And we are, most definitely, NOT irredeemable.

I have also learned that we have a limited amount of time in a day, in a week, in a month, in a year and in our lives.  We also have a limited amount of energy to offer ourselves and our loved ones.  I have learned to choose wisely.  We simply cannot pour from an empty cup.   

We are forever evolving.  We can evolve beyond who we once identified as.  We often outgrow the person we once were.  I have learned that we cannot heal from the things that we most resent.  We cannot heal from the hands of those that continue to hurt us.  We cannot heal until we are accountable for portions of our own story – However, we must learn to offer ourselves grace.  We must forgive ourselves.  And, we must not fall victim to our past.  We are not forever defined within these lines.  I realized, in the depths of my soul searching, that until I give myself permission to not be defined by my past, my guilt, and the person I once was – It is impossible to heal.  To grow. And to honor myself in the most authentic way.  I cannot offer the best of me to anyone until I silence my own self-criticism.  I have fallen victim to emotional abuse many times in my life – Some of which, I have chosen to forgive.  Some of which, I’m uncertain if I’ll ever heal from.  What I do know for sure – Is that I will take my own power back the moment I choose to honor myself.  To stay true to my intuition, while honoring self-respecting boundaries. And, to never allow my authentic voice to be silenced ever again.

Empowerment and authenticity reside within our ability to honor ourselves and find, and maintain, our voices.  What we so often spend years searching for, we eventually come to realize that it is not found within an external source or influence.  In fact, it comes from within us.  It comes the day we choose our road less traveled – Offering ourselves grace and offering ourselves permission to heal.  We may redefine and evolve beyond our past identities, at any given point, of our journey.  Our past does not define us.  We do.  We are capable of setting our spirits free by simply redefining who we are and evolving beyond our past identities.  

We hold our own power.  Not time.  Not money.  Not past experiences, trauma or relationships.  We do.  It is what we do now, with our strengthened voices and evolved souls, that will allow us to navigate a life of true empowerment, purpose and authenticity.  

Onward and upward, my friends.  Here’s to giving those we love the best of us, not what is left of us … And, here’s to brighter days!  In kindness and in gratitude, Always … Xo.

It’s been over 4 years since I’ve last honored my passion of writing. It’s been over 4 years since my last blog article. I’m a firm believer that it is within our most vulnerable moments that we have the power to heal and inspire. I suppose my time is now. Read on and enjoy.

“All in the Day of a Mama, Small Business Owner & Stylist: The Shut Down”

When I received the news about our “non-essential business” state-mandated shut down, I literally had a panic attack.  It was late morning on Monday, March 16th.  My two sons were home.  My husband was at work.  And, it was announced.  

My full-time career, my very own business that I had fought so hard for, was being shut down.  Initially, it was a 14-day mandate, however, we all knew that it was going to be for an undetermined length of time.  To say I began hyperventilating is an understatement.  

At that time, I had owned my own business for almost 12 years.  I had downsized and redefined my business substantially over the past few years, however, the snowball of debt followed me to my newly defined spaces.  In a very simplified version of my business, now off of my home.  Not IN my home, but off of our home.  My now one-chair salon was being run out of a separate space at our residence.  In fall of 2018, my husband and I renovated our garage into a cozy and quaint salon for me to run my business out of.  It was certainly a step in a better direction.  More aligned with a more simplified lifestyle I was so desperately seeking after the many challenges of running the original business, opened the literal week of the stock market crash in 2008.  A 5,000-square-foot space, averaging 15 employees, an array of services and financial overhead that nearly killed me on numerous occasions.  In late 2015, seven years into working beyond a full-time schedule behind my chair  and running all aspects of my business, I had an opportunity to downsize.  To simplify.  The decision wasn’t easy, however, I knew the best decision was to at least explore the opportunity.  For my health, for my family and for my business, it was the best choice.  It was difficult to let it go.  A space that I, and a few others, renovated with our own hands.  A space that I placed my whole entire heart and soul into.  I spent more time within those seven years nurturing my business than I offered to my own family.  To my own sons.  Granted, it was for them that I did it all.  However, the demands got bigger than I could manage very quickly.  And, just like that, one day  – I let it all go.  While this is a story for a whole other day, it’s an important part of the background of this particular post.  Part of my journey that I will happily share at a later time.  

The second space, in which I took one of my most loyal girls – She was the best friend I had in my life at that time besides my rescued pup.  She was the second busiest stylist behind my personally generated revenue.  She was one of my greatest support systems and, I promised her way back when, that as long as I could take her with me – I would.  She was like a little sister to me.  I loved her more than I loved myself most days.  I also brought one of our receptionists to assist with the transition.  While she was only part-time for the transition, she brought a positive energy to all things she touched and I simply was hoping that I could figure out a way for her to stay part of the shop.  The three of us branched off beyond the original studio.  On good terms, we eventually ended up parting ways with our sweet, vibrant receptionist.  We simply didn’t have enough work to justify a position for her into the new year.  My other trusted and reliable side-kick and I enjoyed two full years in the much more manageable shop, which was a two-chair cozy little spot around the corner from the first studio.  It was an incredible opportunity.  It was honestly a miracle and the only way out from being further suffocated by the financial responsibilities of the original studio.  Not to mention, the first time I walked into this particular space – I was instantly at peace with how manageable it seemed to clean.  To manage.  And, to simply enjoy working behind my chair again with my guests.  As my three-year lease began to draw near, I had an undeniable feeling that I needed to make yet another change within my life.  Translating to … Within the business.  

While this space was much more manageable than the first space, my boys were all the sudden not so little anymore.  With the slightly lessened financial burden of the new space, my husband and I began making progress towards some financial goals we had only dreamed of for our family – Mostly, to move.  To sell the house I bought when I was single with my oldest son and to purchase our first home together.  We were hoping to find a new and modest home in an area that we could see ourselves settling into until retirement, perhaps.  A neighborhood that we could see ourselves raising our youngest son.  Maybe even one day, having our grandchildren visiting and playing at.  We desperately wanted to move into a different area so our son could start middle school in the school we most desired for his education.  In 2017, we did it.  It was nothing short of another miracle.  Another story for a different day.  This, however, leads me to the spring of 2018 as I was pondering my business lease that was coming up at the end of the year.  What did it mean for my business?  For my friend and co-worker? For my very loyal clientele?  For my family?  For my health?  And for my soul?  There was still something that felt incredibly out of alignment within me.  That year, I began to develop some persistent health issues that proved to be serious by the end of 2018.  There was something so much bigger than I could possibly explain happening inside of my heart and my instincts were screaming at me.  It was a voice that I simply could not shake anymore.  Throughout the previous two years, operating my business on a smaller scale and more simplistic level, only made me value these things more.  I realized that it was time for me to make, yet another decision, for the future of my business.  For my family.  And, for myself.  Did I truly want to renew another three to five year business lease?  Or, was it time for me to make another change in my life and in my business?  

It was a beautiful spring day in 2018 when I was contemplating so many aspects of our life.  There was a frantic, unsettled feeling in my soul.  In my heart.  In my stomach.  I knew I needed to make a change, however, I had no idea what to do.  At the very moment I was taking in the peacefulness of our new home, sitting out on the back patio with my rescued pup, I said to myself, “It’s just so peaceful here.  I wish I could bring all of my clients here.”  With that, a bird flew into my view and landed just outside of the garage.  I thought … “Could I possibly bring them all here??”.  I instantly got up and called our local zoning board to inquire if it was even a possibility to operate my shop out of our residence.  At that time, it wasn’t zoned correctly for me to do so.  However, she said that it was possible and I was welcome to try to get it approved.  I then began the process to see if it was even a possibility.  Long story short, I presented my idea to the zoning board at their next scheduled meeting, early that summer.  And, we were approved to renovate our garage into a salon.  The only catch was that the approval was based on a one-chair salon, city resident employees only.  It was only approved for me.  To work alone, in a one-chair shop.  It was wonderful news that turned heartwrenching within moments.  This time, I had to choose between keeping the existing space for the sake of my friend and trusted co-worker.  Someone that had been my best friend and that had been by my side through it all.  Or, pursue the road less traveled.  The road I almost never chose at that time in my life.  The road that would set me free of all the things that consistently suffocated me.  The road that would align with my heart and soul.  The road that would end all of the sacrificing my family has made for the sake of my business.  The road that would bring me to my most simplistic and authentic version of myself and my business.  The road that would begin to heal the many layers of my life that had been shattered.  The road that would allow me to focus more on my health.  More on my family.  And more on the fundamental essence of my business.  While the decision made me physically ill – For once in my life, I had to choose the road less traveled.  It was, at that point, my only saving grace.  

Yet, through it all, my past came with me.  The financial dark cloud from the original studio and business loans … It all came with me.  Only now, it was time to change the narrative of my story and the destiny of my journey.  I was on my way toward true change and progress!  

Fast forward to the dreaded “non-essential business” shut down announcement.

I instantly thought of the financial business obligations I still had to pay off.  Which, I was finally within just months of doing.  I instantly thought of how familiar this feeling was.  It catapulted me back to those first seven years in business when I was suffocating in an ocean tide of financial hardships. Self-doubt.  And, when I was suffocating on the fact that I had failed my family.  

I fell to my knees.  Unable to breathe again.  Because … it reminded me of it all.  It reminded me of my many failures.

In that precise moment, all of my fears came rushing back.  I instantly felt swept away in that regrettably familiar ocean tide.  I was vulnerable. I was fearful.  And, once again, I was on my living room floor – Defeated.  Desperate to protect my family.  

However, in that moment, I was well aware that I was nowhere near alone in the small business community.  I was not unique.  While all of our stories vary.  All circumstances differ.  We were all in this surreal and vulnerable place.  Together, yet terribly alone.  Fearing that all we have built, was at risk of falling apart.  It was such a fear-based reaction.  And, quite honestly, it was paralzying.  

To be continued … 

Please stay tuned for my next post:

“All in the Day of a Mama, Small Business Owner & Stylist:  The Many Lessons of Covid, That Have Nothing to do with Covid. Or my business.”

It was Wednesday morning, just two weeks ago …

While I was not necessarily having a bad day, I was having an “off” morning.  My heart was feeling a bit heavy, perhaps.  I had a lot of worry on my mind.  And, I was simply feeling tired.  In a funk – if you will.  Both emotionally and physically, I just wasn’t feeling myself.  I could feel that my eyes were showing a dulled-out version of my spirit.  And, quite honestly, my smile was feeling a bit forced and not completely genuine.  This is certainly not my favorite way to begin any day, especially since I work so closely with other people.  In fact, it’s an unsettling way to begin my day.  Mostly because, I’m aware that my vibe affects quite a few people throughout any given day.  People come to visit me at work, in efforts to feel better about themselves.  To have a positive escape in their lives.  To look and feel beautiful – Inside and out. This is not a responsibility that I take lightly.  I take great pride in my ability to touch people’s lives in such a profound way.  To be their light, so to speak.  My mood can drastically determine the energy I attract and the energy I create for others.  That day, however, no matter how hard I tried to change my demeanor – it simply didn’t work.  Sometimes, the “weight of the world”, our worries, our concerns, our guilt, our regrets …. They simply get the best of us.  Sometimes, the “public face” switch is just broken.  Sometimes, we are just broken.  Sometimes, we just find ourselves questioning whether or not, despite our best efforts, we are even making a difference.  Sometimes, we simply question the direction life is taking us …. Are we on our divine path to fulfill our journey?  Are we fully living to our potential and life’s purpose?  Following our passion in a positive and authentic manner?  Sometimes, the thoughts feel profound and inspiring.  And, other times – the thoughts are just the excessive noise of our egos attempting to knock us off-course.  Sometimes, the thoughts just make us feel lost.  Unworthy.  And, often times, unappreciated.  As many “givers” know, sometimes our tank simply runs empty and we feel as though we have nothing left to give.  We become depleted.  This, was how I was feeling that particular Wednesday morning.

So, as any responsible service provider would do – I resorted to giving myself a very stern pep-talk as I was walking into work.  It went something like this …

“Girllll … you need to shake off this funk!!! Right now!  Put a smile on your face … A. Genuine. Smile! Not a fake smile.  I genuine smile!  Get in there, give it everything you’ve got left to give and be grateful for everyone that comes to visit you today. Show your appreciation and make everyone feel as beautiful as you possibly can today!  They CHOOSE you.  What an honor.  Okay – Let’s do this!  Let’s make a difference in someone’s life today!”

As I was applying color to my first guest of the morning, I saw one of my other guests walking toward the salon.  She clearly was coming in for her appointment, as she had her water bottle, and a few other items that she often brings, in tow.  For a split second, I panicked under the assumption that I messed up her appointment or something.  When she walked in, clearly, I wanted to make her feel welcome, however, I’m sure that I had a look of confusion on my face.  It was a few moments past 10:00am and she hurried in – apologizing for being late.  Oh no.  She had definitely arrived for an appointment in which she was not scheduled for.  My heart sank a bit and notified her that I didn’t have her scheduled today, however, she IS scheduled for tomorrow morning.  Turns out, she thought it WAS Thursday and we all joked about the fact that she wasn’t late at ALL – In fact, she was VERY early!  All was well.  Great.  I love outcomes such as these!  I told her that while she was here, I would at least come steal a hug.  After I hugged her, I could see some reservation in her eyes.  She turned toward the door to leave.  I began walking back over to my current guest to complete applying her color.  She hesitated toward the door, turned around and mentioned that she wanted to give me something first before she left.  She walked over to me, encouraged me to continue working and began to explain her beautiful “Angel in My Life” pin that she was wearing.  Within her pin, there was a smaller angel pin intertwined.  She detached the smaller pin from hers and offered me the smaller angel pin as she thanked me for being an Angel in Her Life.  Of course, she brought tears to my eyes explaining why she chose me to receive her lovely pin.

It was in THIS moment that my intentions were validated.  It was in THIS moment that I realized that my life, is indeed, on purposeful path.  She had no idea of how much I was struggling that morning.  How heavy my heart was feeling less than an hour prior to her walking in our door.  She had no idea how noisy my thoughts had become.  She had no idea how dull my spirit was feeling earlier that morning ….

A coincidence??  I doubt it.  I choose to believe it was divine timing.  A divine message.  From Sue, an Angel in My Life. To whom, I am deeply grateful.

Five years ago, today ….
It was early Mother’s Day morning, May 8th. I was finishing up my little sister’s Mother’s Day gift that morning – a picture collage of her and my Nephew as this was her 1st Mother’s Day.  I was JUST about done, moments away from taking a shower and getting ready to go visit my Grandparents.  I was so excited to give my sister this special gift honoring her first few months of Motherhood!  The phone rang.  It was my Mom.  Her voice sounded tired and it was quivering.  A quiver I’ve never heard in her voice before now.  My Grandfather, my Pappy, had just passed away. Up until that moment, I had never experienced that level of heartache.  Sadness. Loss.  Both Mother’s Day, and May 8th, have been marked, ever since, as the day we lost the backbone of our family.  I am honestly unsure of how we have navigated through the past 5 years without his love, his wisdom and his approving nod and smile.  What an incredible man our family lost that day.  To say that he is missed, is a vast under-statement.  We miss him. We love him. And we admire him – Still. And we will continue to do so – Forever.

Today, on the 5-year anniversary of his passing … He confirmed to me that his presence and love is still with us!
This morning, I received a text message from my Brother-in-Law that read, “Brianna’s water broke … it’s baby time!!!”. Brianna, my baby sister, currently in labor with their second baby girl!!!! Regardless of whether or not she is born today, this precious baby girl has offered us a new meaning for this day.  My Pappy, he loved our babies!! He was incredibly proud of all of his “kiddies” and I truly believe, with all of my heart and soul, that my Grandparents have set this birth into motion today.  Especially today!  It IS, without a doubt ~ their way.  To offer us hope.  To offer us a different meaning of this day ~ A day that has weighed so heavily on our hearts these past five years.  To offer us a reason to CELEBRATE, to shed tears of joy, rather than tears of heartache.  Yes, it IS definitely their way ~ It has ALWAYS been their way! 

As I write this, we are anxiously awaiting updates, as our anticipation grows in preparation of welcoming our spirit – filled baby girl into a family that already loves her beyond words. 

Yes, She is our special blessing …. Already!

This, I do not accept as a coincidence.  Rather, a message and a blessing sent from our 3 beloved guardian angels ~ Our Pappy, our Mammy and our Mike.

This morning, as my younger son was eating his breakfast, he opened up to me about an experience he had in second grade involving a girl classmate. He is now in fourth grade, so, this has been consuming his little heart for a decent part of his young life. My son and this little girl has this undeniable connection. Everyone recognized it. It was like something I’ve never seen before. They instantly connected in Kindergarten and were inseparable. She has since moved away, but this memory has not lessened for him. For the sake of this story, I will refer to her as “Sam”.

The conversation went (mostly) like this:

My son: “Mommy, I need to tell you something that I did. Okay? Do you remember … when I was in second grade … and I asked you to wear short sleeves instead of long sleeves?”

Me: “Ummmm … yeaaaa, I believe so. It had something to do with how you lined up in class or something?”

Him: “Yes. I asked you to wear short sleeves on purpose because Sam usually wore long sleeves. Well, I really hurt her feelings that day, Mommy. And, I feel really bad … I made her cry. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and make her cry …. I just needed, well … some space from her.”

(He began crying.)

Me: “Buddy, it’s okay. We all need our space sometimes. I’m sure you didn’t mean to be hurtful to Sam.”

Him: “But, Mommy … Do you remember how Sam would get mad at me if I played with “Lucy” and “Tommy”??

Me: “Oh yes, I do remember that, buddy. Is that why you felt you needed your space?”

Him: “Yes. She always tried to control who I played with and talked to. So, that day I wore short sleeves so I didn’t have to line up with her … So I could play with “Lucy” and “Tommy”. But, she started crying and told me that I had to play with HER, but … I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to make her cry … I feel really bad that I hurt her feelings.”

Me: “Oh buddy … you have too kind of a heart to hurt someone on purpose. Even though Sam was your friend and you cared about her, it doesn’t mean that she had the right to control your choices. You are entitled to your space and it’s okay that you chose to play with Lucy and Tommy. As long as you’re not nasty to someone … you’re allowed to make your own choice, that’s perfectly fine to do. When someone cares about you, they should understand and want you to do the things that will make you happy. It doesn’t mean you don’t like them anymore, it simply means that you wanted to do something different. That’s your choice to make.”

Him: “But … I …. I … did do something mean. I … I … well, when she started to yell at me that I had to play with her … I … I … said I didn’t want to play with her today. I told her that I wanted to play with Lucy and Tommy. And then she started to cry. And, then Mommy … I …. I … did something really mean … I … I … ignored her.”

Me: “Oh buddy … you chose to make your own choices. I don’t think you were really being mean to her. But, we can use this to learn an important lesson, right? If something like this happens again, how do you feel is a better way to handle it? What would make you feel as though you’ve done the right thing?”

Him: “To say I’m sorry.”

Me: “Ohhhhh … yes, you can definitely say you’re sorry. Anything else?”

Him: “That I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Me: “Yes, that would be good, as well. You can simply just say, ‘you’re my friend and I care about your feelings, but I would like to make my own choices.’ … you have a right to make your own choices. Buddy, I told your brother the same thing when he was in Kindergarten and had a similar situation happening with a little girl … I want you to remember what I’m about to tell you, Okay? When people care about you, they shouldn’t use control or manipulation to show you. If Mommy tells you that someone is manipulating you …. You must always be kind to them … but, please, please do Mommy a favor and stay away from people that treat you that way. When someone cares about you, they will not want to keep you from people you care about, or from the things you enjoy doing, or that are important to you. They will encourage you to be the best version of yourself and will want you to BE yourself. They won’t want to change you, because they will like you just the way you are – not the way they want you do be. Do you understand?”

Him: “Yes, Mommy. I do. I know how to do the right thing next time. But, Mommy … what does ‘ma-nip-u-lashe-on’ mean …??”

Oh boy. So, this brought us to a lengthy conversation about manipulation.  An opportunity to have an important conversation with my son – A similar conversation that I had about 13 years ago with my older son. A conversation that I’ve had with my little sisters, girls that have worked for me over the years and some of my clients – of all age ranges. Ohhhhh … the dark side of manipulation. I’ve witnessed the heart-wrenching effects of manipulation so many times. Throughout a lifetime of personal experiences and hundreds of conversations, here’s my conclusion of manipulation …

We have been severely misguided in believing that control and manipulation translates to love. Wrong. It does not. It is such a misconception to believe that people’s use of manipulation, control and exploitation of another person’s feelings, to feed their own ego, is love. That is control. That is manipulation. That is soul-crushing. It dims the light in our eyes. It shatters our self-worth. It depletes our confidence. This is the goal of manipulation and control. It preys on those who fall victim. It feeds the ego. It is how people with low self-esteem bring others down to their level. It is how they will convince you that you are not worthy of LOVE. Of respect. Of the empowering ability to make your own choices. No, that is not love. Love is love. Love is unconditional. Love is encouraging. Love is acceptance. Love is empowering.

Our identities – our spirits – become consumed, and most cases – lost, in the world of manipulation. I am the kind of mother, wrong or right, that will continuously encourage my boys to stay far, far away from manipulation. They deserve love – in its purest, unconditional form. We all deserve love in its purest, unconditional form. The kind of love that makes you want to be a better person – that builds you up – motivates you, empowers you and enhances your life, your heart and your soul. Yes, this is the kind of love I wish for my boys one day.

It is the kind of love we all deserve.

Until next time … Love & gratitude to all. Xo!

This evening as I was sorting through some paperwork, planning and organizing my week ahead – I came across my son’s senior yearbook order form. Enclosed with that order form, was a form to be completed by friends/family to submit a personalized message to your special graduate. I remember receiving this form a couple of months ago – Like most things, I placed it to the side in a “to-do” folder with the intention of looking over it more thoroughly once I had time. So this evening, when I saw it for the first time since placing it in this folder – I had a genuine moment of panic. I really wanted to submit a message dedicated to my son in his senior year yearbook – He’s graduating high school, for crying out loud! This is an accomplishment. He is a great kid – never causes me any of your typical “teen-ager” trouble (aside from the fact that I feel as though he could possibly communicate a little more – mostly to me – and maybe show a little more diligence in picking up after himself and things of this nature, of course). I am well aware that in comparison to some of the horror stories I hear, this is all trivial on the grand scheme of things – “normal” stuff, I’m told. Nothing major. For which, I am incredibly grateful. I’ve always said that he made my very “trial-n-error” run at being his mother … very easy. He’s simply a good person. A good kid. An old soul. He was born that way. On a daily basis, I take very little credit for this outcome. Hence, he is more than deserving of proper recognition upon his high school graduation. But, wait?!?!? When was the deadline to have this form submitted?!?!? I could feel my heart sinking with each split second until I found the deadline of … MAY 6^th. Whew!!!! Without hesitation, I then said to myself, “Thank God! I don’t suck at this as much as I thought!” In this moment, the powerful message of that sentence hit me right where it hurt the most. Woah …. Really?!?! This is what I think of myself? As a mother? At such an important moment in my son’s life? Yes, why yes – Apparently it is.

Which brings me here. To my first blog post since September 11, 2015 – Again, something I had intended on keeping up with more consistently since then. At least one blog article per week – was my goal. Every week, I acknowledge that this, too – Is left undone. And, I say to myself, “God. I really suck at this.” Sometimes I even go as far to say, “I suck at life.” And, I often say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Or, better yet, “I’m such a failure.” Really?!?! Do I really feel this way about myself? More importantly, is it beneficial to feel this way about myself? Probably not. In fact, I know it is not a productive mindset. However, it is the way I speak to myself much more regularly than I care to admit. It can be a direct result of something trivial. Or something life-altering. It doesn’t matter – The words remain the same. As does this disapproving voice. So, for months now, I’ve been “intending” to write about this very topic – Self-limiting beliefs and negative self-talk. Mostly because I recognize the need to speak of it. To offer my experience with you – So perhaps you no longer feel lonely in the world of berating yourself when you “fail” – Yourself. Your kids. Your spouse. Your pets. Your family. Your employees. Your boss. And everyone else that we feel depends on us – on a consistent basis.

It’s a very vicious cycle of self-sabotage. So how do we change it? How to we begin to be aware of our flaws and areas in need of improvement – yet minimize the voice of fear, self-sabotage, limiting beliefs and negative self-talk?

Here’s the reality – I work with people for a living. I work in a profession, like a bartender or counselor, in which people confide in me with their life stories. Their truths. I hear exactly how they see themselves, on an external and internal basis. I work with them to achieve their desired hairstyle, color and overall “look”, however, in those very intimate, unfiltered moments – I hear all of their insecurities that dive much deeper than their appearances. My profession has taught me very valuable lessons on human nature – and mostly, how much we are more alike than different. How our perception of ourselves often times does not parallel the perception others have of us. I know because it is often times the women that I hold in a very high regard – from their appearances to their contagious spirits – that fight the most severe battles within themselves. It amazes me – the resilience of the human spirit – how we are capable of shoving these negative feelings down so deeply, that our light is still able to shine through this obvious blockage.

This past year, I took extreme strides to begin to change my reality. To regain control of my life, in many areas, in efforts to be more in alignment with my purpose – Mostly, with my authentic self. To begin to minimize the areas in my life in which I was feeling unworthy. Attempting to minimize my deeply rooted flaw of procrastination as means to self-sabotage my own success. There was a moment in time that my failures and flaws became suffocating. On a daily basis, I refused to give myself credit for the things I did right. My only focus became all the things I was continuously doing wrong. This, my friends, is an incredibly unproductive and dangerous place to unpack and live. It was within these moments where that little voice became so loud – that it became unbearable.

It was in this precise moment that I did it. I made the choice to finally do it.

I changed my mindset. I stopped abusing myself. I opened my heart, my mind and my life to a new reality. I began envisioning the life I deserved – I began to silence that paralyzing voice. The voice I refer to as fear.

Fear limits us. It limits our purpose. It limits our dreams. And, it limits our ability to be our authentic selves. It limits our ability to offer the best of ourselves to our loved ones. It was in the moment that I truly BEGAN to realize this reality, that I found the strength to visualize and pursue my new path. One of the greatest lessons I have learned, in my 14 plus years of working with others on such an individualized and personal level, is the truth about authenticity. It is by far the greatest gift we can offer. People tend to resonate with authenticity. It is ultimately what makes us vulnerable to connect on a genuine level with others. The more authentic my spirit and my voice … the more my spirit radiates love. Not only for others, but also a self-love that is gradually diluting my self-limiting beliefs of unworthiness. A love that blossoms into gratitude.

Sometimes, we simply cannot do it all. It doesn’t mean that we are failures. It doesn’t mean that we are unworthy to create a life we deserve. It means that there are lessons folded into these moments. Lessons are valuable pieces of our life’s grand puzzle.

So how do we maintain the forward motion of embracing our flaws with forgiveness and self-love?

I believe it begins with honesty – recognizing the areas in which we are not in alignment with our authenticity. Without being properly aligned with our heart – our soul – and our voice – How can we possibly achieve the clarity that is required to achieve our individual level of success? Clarity is vital to envisioning the life we want – and deserve. Without clarity, we end up resenting our exhausting need to tread water just to keep our heads above water. And, it is here, in this place – that our self-defeating voice attempts to overpower what we otherwise know is true. We are human beings. We are perfectly imperfect. Growth and self-awareness reside within our imperfections. Within our flaws.

My best source of soul food is practicing gratitude.

My second best source of soul food is practicing forgiveness. Both inward and outward.

Authenticity and clarity – Also equally important. Without one, it is very difficult to define the other.

It is almost impossible to manifest the live you want when you have not clearly defined what exactly that looks like – And how all of the variables align with your authentic self.

It would appear, that manifesting the life that speaks to our soul requires a healthy balance of gratitude, forgiveness, clarity and authenticity.

My only regret, of course, is that in the years that I should have been instilling this valuable lesson in my son, I was attempting to figure it all out. His entire childhood has passed us by. I had so many intentions. So many opportunities to right my wrongs. Yet, here we are – just three months from his graduation … And I’m just now, getting the hang of it.

Although, in my heart, I know that it is never too late to rewrite our story ….. Just as it’s never too late to rewrite yours. Until next time … Be kind to yourself.  Forgive yourself. You never know who may be watching.

With gratitude always … Xo.

On August 17^th, I posted this status update on Facebook along with a picture of my husband and myself that was taken on a recent family vacation. The outpouring of love, support and gratitude was overwhelming. It was in this moment that I realized the intense need to speak of such issues – to share the good, bad and the ugly with others. For some, it offered hope. For others, it offered perspective. And for many, it simply offered awareness. This portion of our story resonated with so many others, that it literally brought people to me in a way that I was not expecting. Somehow, by sharing, many people felt comfortable in sharing their story with me – some, for the very first time. I suppose they knew that there would be no judgement? Perhaps they needed someone to finally hear their voice that has been silent for far too long? I’m not sure – but it has been so powerful and inspiring. It is exactly the reason I began my blog and decided to share my story, my heart and my soul, in the first place. It isn’t easy. And, it is a vulnerable place to be – But, on August 17^th – When I chose to share something so personal, my intentions were validated. So, I thank you. Today’s message – beyond the attached Facebook post – is incredibly close to my heart. Today – Well, it is a very special day. Please, read on … and feel free to share.

August 17^th Facebook status update:

“Some of you are familiar with our journey, some are not. Either way, I choose to share in efforts to raise awareness. I also choose to share to spread hope and gratitude …

This picture was taken on Tuesday, August 11th, while on vacation with my family … A monumental day for us as my husband celebrated 11 months of sobriety! He has worked incredibly hard on himself these past couple of years – one day at a time – both mentally and physically – changing his life, my life and our boys’ lives in the process. It has been an absolutely heart-wrenching journey as he has battled addiction from a very young age as a teenager. Somehow, someway … we are celebrating this new “life” together – against ALL odds.

There have been many tears, of both heartache and joy … the road has been long, with so many ups and downs. I almost gave up. He almost gave up. But, he is proof – we are proof – that it is never too late to make changes. One day at a time – we continue to rebuild all of the crumbled pieces his addiction left us with. We choose to rebuild together – creating a foundation that is strong – solidly built with unconditional love, respect, admiration, loyalty, friendship and laughter. Finally, I look forward to tomorrow …

He is a good-hearted, hard-working, loyal and loving man … I am so grateful that he is finally feeling, seeing and living in a sober frame of mind – now capable of recognizing the amazing man in himself, that I’ve always seen in him. Self-respect is so much of this battle … as is pride and feelings of worthiness. As we prepare for a first-time ever, one year of sobriety, I am overflowing with love, gratitude and admiration of his strength, perseverance and courage to overcome and share his story with honesty. I love this man more now than I ever imagined possible.

Gratitude, gratitude and more gratitude.”

Now, on today’s date – September 11^th, 2015: For obvious reasons, I feel guilty celebrating anything today, knowing that so many people are grieving and remembering one of our nation’s greatest tragedies. My husband and I were just discussing this the other day and our heart breaks and goes out to everyone that is reminded of their devastating loss, fear and heartache.

Today, however, my husband and I are celebrating his One Year of sobriety! This is a milestone that one year ago, 3 years ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago – seemed impossible, and completely out of our reach. To say that I am proud of him and that I’m grateful – is a vast understatement!

I would like to share more of our story with you now – A slightly deeper level. In all of its honesty. And all of its rawness. Simply because I feel as though it is a crucial part in my healing. My husband’s healing. And quite possibly, your healing.

Before I begin – I feel compelled to reiterate that my husband and I had a discussion regarding my blog, my writing – the fact that our story, in all aspects, would be fair game – on a very public level. He has given me his consent. He understands why it is important for me to share. And, we’ve both agreed that it is important for us to do so, for many reasons. So, please know – that I offer our story simply to offer perspective and to help heal others – and it is with his permission to share some of his darkest moments – our darkest moments.

We have been married for 10 years – we miraculously just celebrated our anniversary on July 9^th! I say “miraculously” because – It is – Just that. On April 18^th, of this year, my husband returned home after being separated from one another for the better part of 4 years. I had filed for divorce. Which, you must know, was something I never thought I would ever consider. Our divorce would have been finalized with one signature – from him. I had already signed all the paperwork and was moving forward with my life – the best I knew how to. Please understand, this was nothing that I wanted. I loved him. I never stopped loving him. It was simply a form of survival. For myself. For him. But mostly for my sons. One day, I had the very painful realization that while I thought I was setting a positive example for them – by being dedicated to my marriage and our family – through staying and trying to make it work, I realized my very painful truth that this was not the example I was setting – At all. In fact, I was teaching my two sons one of two things; that is was okay to accept this treatment, or, that it was okay to treat others this way. Either way I looked at it – I was failing them. Again. Also, in that moment of realization, I was beginning to not even recognize my own reflection in the mirror. In turn, it was clear to me that I was no longer offering my boys, and everyone else in my life, the best version of myself. I was consumed by his addiction. I was depleted – emotionally and physically. And quite honestly, I could no longer offer anything of substance to anyone – I simply couldn’t give away what I no longer had within me. I wanted my boys to know a better version of me. I wanted to know a better version of myself. I was becoming someone I could no longer relate to. So, something had to change. I had to regain control of this life – It was spinning out of control. By staying in my marriage – I was enabling my husband’s addiction. Plain and simple. I never condoned it. It is not a lifestyle that I’ve ever personally lived. Most times, I didn’t even understand it. I did, however, continue to try. I continued to try to “make it work”. I continued to try to understand. And I continued to try to love him through it – I thought my love could heal him. Until the day – that I realized it was no longer my battle to fight. I had no power. I had no control. And, all the love in the world was not capable of making him love himself. His addiction was simply a symptom – Of a much larger issue. My love for him couldn’t chase those demons away …. I was forced to let go of the man I loved because staying would only enable this viscous cycle to continue. I decided that watching him self-destruct – One day at a time – Was unhealthy for everyone involved. It had broken my spirit on levels that I wasn’t sure that I could ever heal from. My boys – They deserved a better life. As did I. My husband, he deserved his freedom from the hell we were living in, as well. I was the only one that had the power, in that moment, to break the cycle – It needed to end. So – I ended it.

And …. I let go.

I let go of all of those broken promises. Of all the sleepless nights. All those dinners I prepared and waited for him to return from “work” – Only to realize that he stopped at the bar, instead of coming home to us. I let go of all of the other addictions that “stopping at the bar” led to. I let go of the betrayal. And the lies. I let go of all the harsh words he spoke when he was drunk. I let go of all the moments his eyes looked like a stranger. I let go of all the heartache. Of all the pain. I let go of all the nights he would come to bed – his body oozing the smell of alcohol. I let go of all those nights that I was fully awake, yet pretended to be sleeping. I let go of all of the mornings, after crying myself to sleep, of putting a smile on my face and pretending to be “fine”. I let go of all of the special occasions and holidays that were ruined. I let go of all of those moments, all of those days, all of the years that I internalized his addiction – Thinking that I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t enough. Maybe if I was a better wife. Maybe if I cooked more, if I cooked better, if I kept the house better, if I was better – Somehow, someway – It would all stop. Yet, I always knew that he loved me – It took some very ugly moments for me to doubt that. Love, however – became irrelevant. I was absolutely no competition for his addiction – Addiction became his mistress and it offered him a level of satisfaction and happiness that I wasn’t capable of offering. It took me far too long to realize that it had nothing to do with me. And it took me even longer to understand – truly understand – that it was not for me to fix. I couldn’t love him into being healthy. I couldn’t fix him. So – I let go.

It was only within this past year that I entertained any thoughts and feelings of reconciling. I was in a place of contentment with the way things were – just as I was beginning to accept our new reality did he ask me for more time. To allow him to prove himself – one last time – before I gave up completely. He couldn’t bring himself to sign our divorce paperwork. He was living with his Father – separated from us for a couple of years. It was in those moments, when I could see the remorse in his eyes, the desperation in his voice and the love begin to radiate from his heart – that I agreed to give him time. But, that was all I could give him in that particular moment. I needed time to heal. The amount of loss I suffered in those years parallel to my marriage falling apart was unbearable. Death parted me from two of the most important people in my life. Two people whom I loved with all of my heart. Yet, here he was – alive – and choosing to not do what it took to share this life with us. There was a part of me that held so much anger toward him for this fact. He placed his addiction before us. Even though he knew how deeply my heart was breaking – And, that ultimately – I was alone. Grieving such significant losses. So when he approached me last year – asking for me to give him another opportunity to make it all right, to prove his love – all I could promise him – was time. My heart was too broken. The level of healing that needed to take place, was nowhere near complete. But, I agreed to offer an open-mind and open-heart … to offer him my friendship … and maybe, just maybe … a date. One of my biggest fears was that even if, which was a big if, he kept his word and stayed sober – Who were we underneath it all?? What if we were not compatible? What if I didn’t like who he was? What if he didn’t like who I was? What if I couldn’t let go of our past? What if I could never truly trust him again? What if we never fall back in love? I loved him – Sure. I cared about him deeply – Everyone knew that. I wanted to trust him. But – Could we find that place – Of being deeply in love? Would he ever look at me the way my Grandfather looked at my Grandmother? That was the question. I knew that the only way to determine all of this … was to offer him my mind and heart – Openly. Yet cautiously. And – that’s just what I did.

Yesterday I was asked how we did it. How we made it here? Specifically, “How did he do it – Staying sober for one year?” And “How did you have the courage to trust him again?”

I stopped and paused – The only answer that I could give was …

“I honestly don’t know. All I do know … is that – It’s a miracle. I am beyond grateful. And very, very proud of him.”

And today – It remains my only answer and my truth. I am grateful for this miracle. And I am proud to be his wife.  Miraculously – Still his wife.

My latest – “Take My Hand” – Written in the early hours of September 9^th, 2015…

As the sun rises above us,

Will you stay here

To sing me

Your last song?

Will you take my hand,

And offer me this dance,

Or will you spread your broken wings

And fly?

Please tell me though,

Before you go –

Will your eyes meet mine,

As you pass by?

As the sun sets below us,

Will your tears

Escape you,

Or will the darkness

End all of our fears?

Please tell me,

When you’re legs

Grow weak

And you are weary,

Can you hear the words

My heart speaks?

As you inhale my whispers,

Will you exhale your sorrow,

As your heart

Intertwines with mine?

As the moon rises above us,

Will my hands

Be enough to guide you?

Will they have the strength

To hold you,

As your broken wings

Learn to fly once again?

Will you choose to stay,

Or will you choose to fly

Far,

Far away?

Will those words of love

Carry you,

Or will you crumble –

And slip

Beyond my grasp?

Although your wings

Appear fragile now,

I know –

That they are strong,

Still.

Your heart –

Partially broken,

Your eyes –

Lacking the light

I once saw.

Your voice –

A mere whisper,

Your smile –

Now fading,

Yet I know –

Your soul

Still shines bright.

If I told you that I love you,

Would you hear me?

Would it heal you?

Would it help to make amends?

Will you trust in your broken-winged soul,

One last time –

And let those whispers

Of love guide you –

As you spread words

Of love once again?

You are not lost,

You are not alone,

So just take my hand,

And we will find the way.

Our wings will not fail us,

They will always guide us,

Even on this long

And winding road.

I know the noise –

It echoes loud.

But your Soul –

It still whispers

To me …

As it sings –

Your beautiful song.

So please –

Please hang on.

During a recent vacation with my family, I wrote and distributed this email (below) on behalf of my business. I’ve been thinking a lot about this email, and its content, since creating it. Partially because, I’ve been having trouble practicing what I just preached! With this past week being one that I returned to work, after being away for an entire week, I found myself feeling conflicted leaving this time – in Delaware, spent with my family – behind, and returning back to my life. Back to putting on the many hats it all requires. As we were driving back home, all of the familiar feelings of anxiety began to overwhelm me. Visions of my “to-do-lists” and unfinished projects, at both home and work, began to knot my stomach. The financial concerns that I left behind, felt as though they were bricks hitting me in the face – Again. All of these thoughts of worry and unworthiness began overwhelming my mind and my heart. Again. I wanted to turn around, if I’m being completely honest. I. Just. Didn’t. Want. Our. Time. Away. To. End. After all, I felt more connected with my husband and my boys than I ever have. I was finally present. And available. Not to mention, that I completely fell in love with Delaware and the active, family-oriented culture it offered us. I was honestly struggling with all of these thoughts – all of these feelings – the ENTIRE 4 hour drive home. It took everything I had to continue operating our vehicle away from the safe haven we just left behind.

I did continue home, however. We got home, unloaded our things, and I went straight to the boarding facility we had our dog at for the past week. He was one of the main reasons I continued home. I picked him up and brought him home, where he belongs. He began to feed my soul. Just as he always does – For which, I am grateful.

I carried on throughout my week – Reluctantly. With each new day, my perspective shifted. I had a nice visit with family early in the week – spending some much needed cuddle time with my little nephew and niece. It was a great week at work – back with the ladies that work for me, that I work beside each day. Back with my guests that I have the true honor of working with, while we talk about everything imaginable, laugh and even cry together sometimes. It was a busy week – which, helped ease some of my worries. I received and gave many hugs – As I am so fortunate to experience on a daily basis. All of these things began to validate that I do belong here, for now, in this moment in time. That my purpose lies within the life I already live with my family – both biological and within my business. It has also, however, validated my thoughts that I need to execute some changes within my life. Changes that were made clear to me while I was away – while I was free of all the static that I hear each and every day. Changes that are beneficial to my family, my business and to my well-being. To our growth and securing our future. This past week, I realized how critical all of these moments are in defining clarity. All life requires us to do – is simply choose to listen. Our time here is so fragile – I’m no longer interested in treading water. In settling for what is – Rather than striving for the possibilities of what can be. Once upon a time, my ambition guided me. Not my worry. Not my fear. Not my insecurities. Not my weaknesses.

These past two weeks – Both my week away, and my week back home, have inspired me. Both experiences, in addition to all of the mini-experiences in between, have helped to define the areas in my life that are in need of my attention. There are areas that no longer require my energy. There are goals that I now have. Life experiences that are awaiting our arrival! As I get settled back into this life, with yet another experience under my belt, I will choose to walk in gratitude for all that we do have – right here, right now. My commitment now motivated by growth – both personally and professionally.

In recognizing the immense power of attraction this universe so kindly answers to – I recreated a 90-day vision to hold me accountable: “To organize and manifest my visions, my purpose and dreams. To be true to myself and my intentions – Do what I say – Do what I love – Love what I do – On a path to Success!”

I have spent this past week reflecting on what “Success” means to me. In my life. For my family. As a woman. A mother. A wife. A business owner. And a stylist/service provider. I began defining and organizing it all. I’ve been thinking and writing – A lot! Creating action plans for obtaining “Success” (by my definition– that is).  Action plans to achieve goals, fulfill intentions, be my best person and to live my best life!

The truth is – I’m not really as overwhelmed by returning to “this life”, as I thought. This week has shown me this fact – with great clarity even. I’m disappointed, however, that I wasn’t following through on my intentions to enhance “this life”. I simply haven’t been listening to my intuition lately.  At least not consistently enough to believe in myself, or in my visions – and to take proper action to make things happen. Without doing so, “this life” will never be capable of reaching its full potential – my intentions will never be manifested, my story will go untold. This – is in fact – what scares me. This – is in fact – where my fears, and my obstacles, reside. Action – Is where my ambition awakens. Focus – Is where my visions will manifest into reality. And in gratitude – Is where my intentions always tend to thrive.  I lost sight of this, somewhere along the way, as I was treading life away.

I find much comfort in all of these intuitive thoughts that have been flooding my mind this past week. I am grateful for these gorgeous moments of clarity! Of course, the road always comes back to writing – And sharing my journey here, with you. Gratitude always. Until next time – Be well – And remember to follow your heart and take action! Read on for the email – the vacation – that set this all in motion … Xo!

“Greetings from Bethany Beach!

I hope this message finds you all doing well!

I know, most of you are saying, why are you WORKING while you are on vacation?!?!? Well, a couple of reasons. I suppose when there is an inspiration to write – I like to do so. I woke up early this morning and made myself a cup of tea with honey, ate a banana (and maybe I had a piece of salt water taffy … shhhhhh.) I’m sitting outside, on the back deck of the beach house we are staying at – with a gentle breeze upon me and it is quiet and so peaceful here. My husband is still sleeping. My older son is still sleeping. My younger son is currently playing with his toys that he won last night in the arcades at the boardwalk – right here by my side. My Brother-in-law and his fiancé are working out. And my Father-in-law just went on a coffee run. So, there you have it – I’m writing to all of you and enjoying every moment of doing so! No one needs me in this particular moment. Besides, Inspired By You is one of my babies. When I’m on vacation, have a “day off”, or anything of the sort … I’m never away from it. You are all part of my life, part of my family – Always intertwined, regardless of our “hours of business”. As a business owner, especially a small business owner – there is no separation. So, here I am, four hours away … which, feels like a world away … still with the capability of staying connected. For which I am grateful.

I was thinking this morning about how resistant I was to even take this vacation – When my Father-in-law asked us to make this trip with them, my initial response was that “I couldn’t”. After all, we do already have our trip to Myrtle Beach planned with my family during the week of MusikFest while the studio is closed. After looking at the calendar, I thought, well – I could drive separate and return on Tuesday so I can return to work. Then, my husband pointed out that our 10 year wedding anniversary fell on Thursday – So, obviously, I needed to be here for that! Especially this year – under all of the circumstances that attempted to separate us – I definitely needed to be here to celebrate our love overcoming the many adversities we have been faced with. This was essential. So, I was going to come home on Friday – to return to work. And then …. I had a couple of cancellations on Friday and Saturday, leaving my days full of gaps. So, I decided to move the few appointments that remained in my schedule and simply enjoy an entire week off with my family.

We are having an absolutely lovely time here. I almost cannot put words to it. We are doing nothing spectacular, simply bumming on the beach and spending quality time together. I’m even a few chapters into a book that my son, Julian, bought me a couple of years ago – that I’ve had little time to read! So, this morning, as I was reveling in my gratitude for this experience, I was asking myself, “Why did it take all of this – all of this time – for me to finally give myself permission to simply nurture my soul in this way?!?! To simply take time for my family and leave my many worries behind?!?!” The truth is – I was teetering on being burnt out before I left home. We are only three days into our vacation and I can already recognize this very simple fact. The past couple days have been some of the best in my life … So, it leaves me wondering – If we know these moments are essential to nurturing our souls – why do we not allow ourselves more experiences of this nature?? At what point are we convinced that we are underserving to take care of ourselves, and our families, in this manner?? I may just have to change this mindset that has been engrained in me. Because, this – right now – is medicine to my soul. Perhaps we all need more …. And simply don’t take the time to listen to the whispering of our own hearts.

It is officially on my bucket list to change this mentality. I’m already looking forward to our next trip to Myrtle Beach with my family. Always an equally profound experience … only, this time, I will begin that vacation with the belief that I am deserving to enjoy my time away, my family and recognize the fact that without nurture … my heart and spirit will never flourish.

With all of this being said – I hope you take a piece of this with you and know that you are deserving, as well. I sincerely hope that you find time to spend quality time with your family, friends – and yourself – this summer! Get out and enjoy … life is meant to be lived – not treaded. I can say this, because I was simply just treading …. And forgetting the crucial part – Of living it. Perhaps we can make a pact – To live. To laugh. To love. To let our spirits shine! And mostly, to KNOW that we are DESERVING!

The Studio is OPEN this week – The lovely girls are holding down the fort in my absence. So, please, take some time for yourself this week and visit – Call to reserve your appointment TODAY!! Danielle will happily assist you! Simply mention this email and receive $5.00 Off ANY service or yoga class – This week ONLY!! Haircut, color, highlights, massages, facials, yoga classes, intuitive reiki. We have something for everyone – Come on in and visit – pamper yourself in the process! You deserve it! Truly – you do.

Looking forward to seeing you all when I return home! Until then – Please take some time to nourish your soul … Love and gratitude to all.”

This past Saturday, my younger son’s little league team went into their second to last game of the season with an undefeated streak of 13-0. A lot of pressure for a team of nine and ten-year-olds, if you ask me. Well, Saturday, their undefeated streak ended. I never saw so many looks of defeat on the faces of children – tears were shed by the majority of the team, at some point in the game. As the game continued, I heard many comments by the parents and families of our team about how “two of their best players weren’t there”. A set of brothers who left for vacation. Two of our better players – yes, true. Best? I suppose that is slightly opinion based. Either way, two kids do not carry an entire team. The team – Carries the entire team. If I heard this over and over – I’m sure the remaining team did, as well. I’m sure that this practice of labeling contributed to their feelings of unworthiness right out of the gate. I also heard comments about how “they just weren’t playing their best today”, “making a lot of mistakes”, “just isn’t their day” – heads were shaking in disappointment and frustration – etc, etc, etc. I observed and listened. Don’t get me wrong – I was cheering them on – hoping they would make the next out, hit the ball to outfield, and come back to win – just as we all were. An undefeated season would have been great – impressive and all. However, as they were losing and the point spread was increasing – not in their favor – I realized that this is not a bad thing. It is a tremendous lesson. A lesson in humility.

As with most aspects of life, showing up doesn’t guarantee you success. I’ve never known any great lessons to surface when everything is going our way – there are absolutely no profound lessons wrapped up in these moments. Our greatest lessons are gained through mistakes and an element of failure. Sometimes, even with our most genuine and courageous efforts, we come in second place. Or, we don’t place at all. Sometimes we just simply fail at what we set out to do. As the game continued, the feeling of defeat was overwhelming these young kids. They were crying. Hanging their heads. Walking the walk of shame. It was heartbreaking to watch, actually. It is, however, an excellent learning opportunity for the entire team. Failure doesn’t define you. A couple of mistakes do not define you. The fact that they lost one game doesn’t define them as the losing team – in fact, even with this loss, they are the number one team in the league. It simply defines them as a team of nine and ten-year-young kids that aren’t perfect. I have yet to meet a perfect person. So, why would we place that expectation on a team of young children? Furthermore, why would we want them to place that expectation on themselves? It simply isn’t realistic. And we all know it. We’ve all been there. Done that. I was sure to express my feelings prior to the end of the game. Humility – Is a never a bad thing. Being over-confident and cocky, however – is definitely not a becoming quality. Confidence is excellent. Everyone should radiate confidence. Radiating a superior attitude, however – Not so much.

After the game, my son said to me, “Mommy, I’m so sad. I really wanted to win, but we didn’t. We got beat by ten runs …”

After I ensured him that he played well and that I was proud of him, because he did, and I was – I explained to him that those 13 teams that they had previously beat – most by over 10 runs – also wanted to win. They left each game feeling the same exact way. Now that he and his team have felt the defeated feelings of losing, by ten runs, perhaps it will teach them compassion for other teams that leave feeling the same way. One team always wins and one team always loses – it’s the way it is. It just hasn’t been their way, up until this point. I explained to him that losing wasn’t a bad thing – it simply makes his team human – a team of kids that simply got out-played. And – most importantly, it offers them a lesson in being humble. In compassion. It will serve as an exercise of strength as now his team will need to pull themselves together, hold their heads back up and rise after their fall – together – as a team.

Luckily for this team of very ambitious, hard-working and incredibly passionate kids – Their coaches also acknowledged the many lessons that came with this loss. My gratitude and respect runs deep for the humble men that lead this team.

Saturday was a great lesson for these young boys (and one girl), as it was for everyone. Success doesn’t find you simply because you arrive. Even given our best efforts and all of our passion – often times, failure still comes knocking on our door. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we fall hard. But, does this define us?? Does this one failure alone – actually define us in our entirety? Absolutely not. It tests us. It challenges us. It makes us rally. It makes us dig deep within ourselves to get up and overcome adversity. And mostly, it is one of the greatest lessons in Humility. Never, ever a negative thing to walk forward after a humbling experience. Failure doesn’t define us – how we choose to rise above it – Does.

This has been an experience that I am grateful that my son has been offered. Also serving as a gentle reminder to everyone – the little league game that offered us all a lesson in humility.