What did I learn from “Covid”?  Many things, to be quite honest.  As many of us did, I suppose.  

I have a unique perspective on this past year when it comes to other people – mostly because I work with the public.  To be honest, my version of “the public”, are in actuality, “customers” that have become my friends, and in most cases, an extension of my non-biological family.  I work intimately with my guests in a one-chair salon as I am now the only other person, besides my guest, in the shop at any given time.  At this point, my relationships have surpassed “guests” and I have formed genuine friendships with my clientele.  Often times, our conversations tend to be honest, vulnerable and unfiltered due to the environment in which we now interact with one another.  Under these circumstances, the year of Covid offered me a very raw experience of human behavior, inner workings of relationships and lessons in humanity, as a whole.  This is certainly a topic for another day.  An interesting topic, however, what I would like to share with you today is what I learned from this past year, through my own personal life experiences.  My hope is that something I share will resonate with you and, either help heal and forgive yourself, or I hope my story will help you from making the same mistakes as you navigate through your journey in life.  Please, read on and enjoy … 

When my shop got shut down, I was expecting the majority of my stress to be driven by the financial impact and logistical aspect of owning my own business.  Don’t get me wrong, the first eight weeks of the shut down owned this particular stress as I figured out the best way to move forward.  The loss of revenue was extensive.  The scheduling nightmare took me the entire remainder of 2020 to get pieced back together.  It was a mess.  An absolute disaster, in fact.

What I wasn’t expecting, however, was the personal struggle – the inner turbulence, if you will.  It occurred almost immediately after the shut down was announced.  My life had honestly never been this still.  Or slowed down.  When life came to a pause and my work identity was peeled away, I realized that something I have always feared had officially manifested.  I always knew it was just below the surface.  However, I never “had the time” to truly address these things, face them, feel them – And I certainly never “had the time” to heal from them. 

It was a feeling that literally dropped me to my knees within hours of the announcement.  Tears began streaming down my face.  I began experiencing full-blown anxiety attacks – for several weeks.  I wanted to runaway.  I wanted to get out of my own skin.  None of these things were new to me, however, I thought I had grown slightly beyond this way of feeling.  I thought I was slightly further into my journey of healing.  Yet, everything I saw from this slow-motion lens was a direct reflection of what I allowed to become my reality.  What I allowed to become my life.  The reminders were all around me.  They were everywhere.  They were looking back at me in the mirror with empty exhausted eyes, a broken spirit and my unfamiliar body.  They were hidden in the closets, drawers and basement of my home.  They were intertwined within the structure of my broken and disconnected family.  They were in the piles of paperwork, to-do lists and clutter in my home and in my mind.  They were in the overgrown weeds and shrubs in my yard and gardens.  They were in my neglected plant babies.  They were in the dust that coated my Willow Tree angels, my treasured life memorabilia and furniture.  They were in my neglected chore lists and in all of the unfinished home and business projects.  They were in all of the boxes of my life that I had yet to unpack.  They were in all of those boxes of memories and reminders of a life I no longer live.  A person I no longer even want to be.  They were in the silence between myself and my husband.  They were in the lack of interest my sons had in spending time with me, now that I actually had time to spend with them.  They were around every single corner of my home.  They were within the grief and trauma I never allowed myself to feel and heal from.  They were within my feelings of unworthiness and shame.  They were within the quiet moments of the evening when I felt alone.  They were within each one of my thoughts.  In each one of my tears.  They were within all of my many failed intentions.  And, THIS, is where I struggled the most.  My failed intentions.  My paralyzing fear of failure. My very unhealthy relationship with time and even money.  And, my deeply unhealthy relationship … with myself.  It was no longer just below the surface.  It was boiling over and I had no idea how to stop it from happening.

Please understand that when I speak of my unhealthy relationship with time and money it wasn’t neccesarily due to waste of.  It was due to lack of.  In moments, of course, have I wasted time?  Yes.  Have I wasted money somewhere along the way?  Yes.  However, that is not the reason my relationship with these two things remain unhealthy.  I realized that in both cases –  I have spent the majority of my life feeling victimized by both time and money.   I’m not a lazy person, yet, I always feel like I’m running out of time.  I haven’t been irresponsible with money and I’ve always worked very hard, yet, financial stress has damn near killed me on multiple occasions.  Therefore, I have developed feelings of resentment  and negativity towards both time and money.  More on this later.

In those initial moments, in which my anxiety fueled by self-destructive thoughts began boiling over, I realized that it was never about the things I believed it to be.  It wasn’t about time.  How much I had or didn’t have.  Although, full disclosure – I do need to begin implementing healthier boundaries on my time.  However, it wasn’t that simple.  It wasn’t the reason my life felt as though it was constantly spinning out of control.  Money, well, that is another topic.  I’ve never been a money-driven person.  I suppose that was one of my fatal flaws in business ownership.  I never opened a business with intentions to make a lot of money.  I opened my own business to create an environment for others to feel valued.  To create an alternative lifestyle, for myself and my older son, beyond the toxicity of a lifestyle consumed by Corporate America.  I opened my own business so I could offer my passion with my community and create an environment in which I could be my most authentic self and believed it to be my purpose.  I simply wanted to make a difference in the lives of others and not have to choose my career over being a mother.  Money is a tough topic for me, however, I’m continuing to navigate it and learn from past mistakes and belief systems.  This, is a work in progress.  However, for the first time since I was a teenager, I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel – that is not a train. 

What I began to realize within myself, in the early weeks of the shut down, was that my default setting of “busy” was simply a distraction in my life.  Partially, because survival was all I knew.  However, it was also a way of finding a superficial sense of purpose, I suppose.  It was my fear-based distraction from all of the trauma I did not want to acknowledge, feel or deal with.  My default setting of “busy” was toxic.  It was exhausting and unhealthy.  And, at the end of the day, it ultimately left me feeling guilty and empty. 

After months of soul cleansing, evaluating and contemplating my future – I can honestly tell you that the person I am today, is nowhere near the same person I was on March 16th of 2020.  For better or worse – better, I hope – I have begun my most impactful journey of healing.

Prior to Covid, I had become so accustomed to “surviving” circumstances.  This was my other default setting – “survival mode”.  It simply left me feeling defeated, depleted and I was literally running on empty.  I realized that the most important people in my life were only seeing me at my worst hot-mess moments.  Not exactly my finer moments, nor were they moments that I’m proud of, for that matter.  I realized that these people – MY people – the ones I love with my whole heart and soul – have been only getting what is left of me and not the best of me.  Unfortunately, this was our reality for years.  I was officially depleted.  I was growing resentful.  I was losing myself.  And, I was losing them.  While I may have been fighting what I mistakingly referred to as “the good fight”, I hit a wall of exhaustion at warp speeds.  Over and over again.  So often people would comment, possibly even compliment, the levels of inner strength and resilience they often perceived in me.  While I appreciated the sentiment, the truth was … I certainly did not feel strong or resilient.  I was exhausted. Deeply broken.  Lonely.  And was becoming increasingly unhappy.

During the shut down, I decided to take advantage of the time to focus on my life, my home, my family, and myself – I was feeling both numb and paralyzed by the rush of emotions.  I knew that I had to figure out how to fix these things.  To break this unhealthy cycle.  I had to sit down and honestly evaluate why I was feeling all of these emotions, guilt and overwhelm.  It was all becoming too much to  carry and became intensely suffocating.  I needed to figure out – where is this coming from, what is missing and where my journey diverted down this unhealthy and self-destructive path?  I desperately needed to create a strategy to make immediate changes, to shift my thoughts and my perspective.  I was overwhelmed by it all.  I was left feeling hopeless and, while I was able to identify what specific moments sent my life into a tailspin on different occasions, I simply could not identify what was unsettling my soul so deeply – Still. 

Until – it finally became clear in my moment of clarity.

I had been living a life fueled by adrenaline, lack of sleep and too much caffeine.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I was living this life out from under the “survival mode” umbrella.  My identity was always attached to my experiences as a teenage single mother.  To a single mother forced to choose between my job in corporate america or time with my son.  To a young woman that found love and acceptance in unhealthy and unattainable relationships.  To the wife of an alcoholic, which often resulted in a toxic home environment and emotional abuse.  To a struggling small business owner.  To a second round of single motherhood in my late twenties thru my mid thirties, while attempting to hold together my business.  To heartwrenching pain from grief and loss. To being a very shy, lonely and painfully broken little girl, who found no power in having her own voice.  To believing that I ruined everything I touched and that I was unlovable.  To the trauma of almost losing my son to an unexpected medical issue.  To navigating his PSTD from that horrific experience – and mine.  To feeling overwhelmingly lonely, especially in the presence of those who should unconditionally love me and make me feel safe.  

All of these identities have been so overpowering – For as long as I can remember.  Survival mode became my most natural pace and way of life.  I simply became accustomed to doing what needed to be done, instead of taking time to acknowledge, evaluate and heal.  It was simply my way, because it had to be.  Giving up was not an option.  Neither was affording myself the luxury of feeling sorry for myself.  I’ve recently learned that while I always felt an overwhelming desire to offer my boys a better life, it never truly dawned on me that, I too, deserved that same quality of life.  It was almost as if I was stuck in a place of limbo … Between a life I wanted and the life I thought I deserved.  I had been settling.  It has been an everlasting struggle within my low sense of self-worth and the lack of recognizing my own level of deservability.

During my recent moments of clarity and soul searching, I realized that I dedicated the majority of my adult life to nurturing others, apologizing for others and desperately wanting to fix everything for everyone.  Even if it meant extensive levels of self-sacrifice.  I had been this way as long as I can remember – even throughout my childhood.   It is simply the person I most identify with.  One of my greatest fears is to be perceived as selfish or unkind.  An even greater fear of mine, however, is to let others down.  To make others feel unworthy, undervalued or unloved.  I have a deeply seeded fear of being this kind of person.  So much, in fact, that in my purest efforts to be inclusive to others … I abandoned myself. 

So, as I looked around, in those early moments of the shut down … this realization boiled over the surface of my being, of my soul, of my spirit.  I realized that all of the “failed intentions” were simply a reflection of one thing and one thing only – Me.  Mostly, the way I choose to treat myself.  The reality I’ve settled for.  My whole life I’ve chosen to honor the feelings of others more than I honor my own.  I passionately created an entire business model around offering a sanctuary to others.  A place to feel welcomed.  Valued.  Safe. Loved. Appreciated. Respected.  It was less of a “business” and more of a sanctuary for others to escape to – To heal and have their own voice within.  Ironically, I literally created, for others, the very thing that I was lacking in my own life. In recognizing how many other people needed a place of healing, just as I needed it – I subconsciously created an escape for others, at the expense of my own health and well-being.  While my original intentions were overly enthusiastic and a tad unrealistic, they were always pure.  I have no doubt that I did a thousand things wrong along the way, I’m sure there are moments that I have no recollection of, at this point.  All I know is that before I knew it, I was overwhelmed by unhealthy amounts of stress.  Not only did I sacrifice myself financially, emotionally and physically – I, most regrettably, sacrificed the well-being of my boys, as well.  This guilt – It almost killed me one day.  It simply became to much for me to bear.  I’ve never, in my life, felt the excruciating level of defeat as I did in those moments.  As a parent, there is no greater defeat than that of failing your children.  This, was one of my first moments of clarity that prompted many life changes in recent years.

The shut down, amidst Covid times, was an instant flashback to my past.  After fighting so hard to make positive changes in our lives, I was genuinely caught off guard by how my feelings of defeat, in those early Covid moments, mirrored the experience I just described to you.  I felt overwhelmingly defeated and vulnerable – Again.  I then realized that throughout the many levels of change, realizations and repriorizing, there was STILL one thing that I was lacking.  One thing I still was not understanding.  My one greatest downfall.  I was still not honoring myself.  I was still not priorizing self-care.  I was still not speaking to myself the way I speak to others.  I was still not treating myself the way I treated others.  I was allowing self-limiting beliefs and negative self-talk to distract my intentions and pull me from my true purpose.  I was not allowing myself to be my most authentic version of the person I want to be.  I was allowing other people, especially their expectations of me, to hold power over my time and my energy.  I was STILL not allowing myself to use my voice.  To speak my truth.  To grieve.  To heal.  And, everything in my life was reflective of this fact.  My family.  My home.  My business.  My health. My finances. My schedule. My body.  My mind. My heart. My soul.   

And just like that – I decided that I was no longer going to allow my spirit to be held hostage.  Not by my past.  Not by this current circumstance.  Not by fear.  Not by anyone. Not by anything.  And certainly … not by my own self-limiting beliefs!

Even though I remain a work-in-progress and most days are still a struggle, I do my best to gently reminding myself:

I am worthy.  I do deserve better.  I do deserve more.  I do deserve to be loved.  I deserve to design a life that I love.

I am worthy.  I will have my own voice (even IF it shakes). I will establish boundaries.  I will say no.  I will priorize self-care.  I. Will. Honor. Myself. And. Live. Authentically.

I am worthy.  I give myself permission to feel.  To grieve.  To rest.  To just be.  

I am worthy.  I will continue to share.  To be empowered.  To empower.  To be inspired.  To inspire.  I will rise.  I will help others to rise up, as well.

I am worthy.  I will continue to navigate my journey of healing.  I will begin to offer those I love – and myself – The best of me and no longer what is left of me.

My wings, while they may be broken, they can heal.  I so desperately yearn to fly – to be free.  To finally have a voice.  A voice to speak my truth.  To finally create a reality that aligns with my soul and my purpose.  It is my greatest hope to share, to inspire and to help heal others along the way.  

What I have learned is that we are forever evolving as human beings.  There is something powerful in our vulnerable moments.  There is something powerful when our words resonate with a stranger.  It is simply proof that we are much more alike than we are different.  It is helpful to know, that especially in our dark and lonely moments, we are not walking this journey alone.  We are not lost.  And we are, most definitely, NOT irredeemable.

I have also learned that we have a limited amount of time in a day, in a week, in a month, in a year and in our lives.  We also have a limited amount of energy to offer ourselves and our loved ones.  I have learned to choose wisely.  We simply cannot pour from an empty cup.   

We are forever evolving.  We can evolve beyond who we once identified as.  We often outgrow the person we once were.  I have learned that we cannot heal from the things that we most resent.  We cannot heal from the hands of those that continue to hurt us.  We cannot heal until we are accountable for portions of our own story – However, we must learn to offer ourselves grace.  We must forgive ourselves.  And, we must not fall victim to our past.  We are not forever defined within these lines.  I realized, in the depths of my soul searching, that until I give myself permission to not be defined by my past, my guilt, and the person I once was – It is impossible to heal.  To grow. And to honor myself in the most authentic way.  I cannot offer the best of me to anyone until I silence my own self-criticism.  I have fallen victim to emotional abuse many times in my life – Some of which, I have chosen to forgive.  Some of which, I’m uncertain if I’ll ever heal from.  What I do know for sure – Is that I will take my own power back the moment I choose to honor myself.  To stay true to my intuition, while honoring self-respecting boundaries. And, to never allow my authentic voice to be silenced ever again.

Empowerment and authenticity reside within our ability to honor ourselves and find, and maintain, our voices.  What we so often spend years searching for, we eventually come to realize that it is not found within an external source or influence.  In fact, it comes from within us.  It comes the day we choose our road less traveled – Offering ourselves grace and offering ourselves permission to heal.  We may redefine and evolve beyond our past identities, at any given point, of our journey.  Our past does not define us.  We do.  We are capable of setting our spirits free by simply redefining who we are and evolving beyond our past identities.  

We hold our own power.  Not time.  Not money.  Not past experiences, trauma or relationships.  We do.  It is what we do now, with our strengthened voices and evolved souls, that will allow us to navigate a life of true empowerment, purpose and authenticity.  

Onward and upward, my friends.  Here’s to giving those we love the best of us, not what is left of us … And, here’s to brighter days!  In kindness and in gratitude, Always … Xo.