This morning, as my younger son was eating his breakfast, he opened up to me about an experience he had in second grade involving a girl classmate. He is now in fourth grade, so, this has been consuming his little heart for a decent part of his young life. My son and this little girl has this undeniable connection. Everyone recognized it. It was like something I’ve never seen before. They instantly connected in Kindergarten and were inseparable. She has since moved away, but this memory has not lessened for him. For the sake of this story, I will refer to her as “Sam”.

The conversation went (mostly) like this:

My son: “Mommy, I need to tell you something that I did. Okay? Do you remember … when I was in second grade … and I asked you to wear short sleeves instead of long sleeves?”

Me: “Ummmm … yeaaaa, I believe so. It had something to do with how you lined up in class or something?”

Him: “Yes. I asked you to wear short sleeves on purpose because Sam usually wore long sleeves. Well, I really hurt her feelings that day, Mommy. And, I feel really bad … I made her cry. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and make her cry …. I just needed, well … some space from her.”

(He began crying.)

Me: “Buddy, it’s okay. We all need our space sometimes. I’m sure you didn’t mean to be hurtful to Sam.”

Him: “But, Mommy … Do you remember how Sam would get mad at me if I played with “Lucy” and “Tommy”??

Me: “Oh yes, I do remember that, buddy. Is that why you felt you needed your space?”

Him: “Yes. She always tried to control who I played with and talked to. So, that day I wore short sleeves so I didn’t have to line up with her … So I could play with “Lucy” and “Tommy”. But, she started crying and told me that I had to play with HER, but … I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to make her cry … I feel really bad that I hurt her feelings.”

Me: “Oh buddy … you have too kind of a heart to hurt someone on purpose. Even though Sam was your friend and you cared about her, it doesn’t mean that she had the right to control your choices. You are entitled to your space and it’s okay that you chose to play with Lucy and Tommy. As long as you’re not nasty to someone … you’re allowed to make your own choice, that’s perfectly fine to do. When someone cares about you, they should understand and want you to do the things that will make you happy. It doesn’t mean you don’t like them anymore, it simply means that you wanted to do something different. That’s your choice to make.”

Him: “But … I …. I … did do something mean. I … I … well, when she started to yell at me that I had to play with her … I … I … said I didn’t want to play with her today. I told her that I wanted to play with Lucy and Tommy. And then she started to cry. And, then Mommy … I …. I … did something really mean … I … I … ignored her.”

Me: “Oh buddy … you chose to make your own choices. I don’t think you were really being mean to her. But, we can use this to learn an important lesson, right? If something like this happens again, how do you feel is a better way to handle it? What would make you feel as though you’ve done the right thing?”

Him: “To say I’m sorry.”

Me: “Ohhhhh … yes, you can definitely say you’re sorry. Anything else?”

Him: “That I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Me: “Yes, that would be good, as well. You can simply just say, ‘you’re my friend and I care about your feelings, but I would like to make my own choices.’ … you have a right to make your own choices. Buddy, I told your brother the same thing when he was in Kindergarten and had a similar situation happening with a little girl … I want you to remember what I’m about to tell you, Okay? When people care about you, they shouldn’t use control or manipulation to show you. If Mommy tells you that someone is manipulating you …. You must always be kind to them … but, please, please do Mommy a favor and stay away from people that treat you that way. When someone cares about you, they will not want to keep you from people you care about, or from the things you enjoy doing, or that are important to you. They will encourage you to be the best version of yourself and will want you to BE yourself. They won’t want to change you, because they will like you just the way you are – not the way they want you do be. Do you understand?”

Him: “Yes, Mommy. I do. I know how to do the right thing next time. But, Mommy … what does ‘ma-nip-u-lashe-on’ mean …??”

Oh boy. So, this brought us to a lengthy conversation about manipulation.  An opportunity to have an important conversation with my son – A similar conversation that I had about 13 years ago with my older son. A conversation that I’ve had with my little sisters, girls that have worked for me over the years and some of my clients – of all age ranges. Ohhhhh … the dark side of manipulation. I’ve witnessed the heart-wrenching effects of manipulation so many times. Throughout a lifetime of personal experiences and hundreds of conversations, here’s my conclusion of manipulation …

We have been severely misguided in believing that control and manipulation translates to love. Wrong. It does not. It is such a misconception to believe that people’s use of manipulation, control and exploitation of another person’s feelings, to feed their own ego, is love. That is control. That is manipulation. That is soul-crushing. It dims the light in our eyes. It shatters our self-worth. It depletes our confidence. This is the goal of manipulation and control. It preys on those who fall victim. It feeds the ego. It is how people with low self-esteem bring others down to their level. It is how they will convince you that you are not worthy of LOVE. Of respect. Of the empowering ability to make your own choices. No, that is not love. Love is love. Love is unconditional. Love is encouraging. Love is acceptance. Love is empowering.

Our identities – our spirits – become consumed, and most cases – lost, in the world of manipulation. I am the kind of mother, wrong or right, that will continuously encourage my boys to stay far, far away from manipulation. They deserve love – in its purest, unconditional form. We all deserve love in its purest, unconditional form. The kind of love that makes you want to be a better person – that builds you up – motivates you, empowers you and enhances your life, your heart and your soul. Yes, this is the kind of love I wish for my boys one day.

It is the kind of love we all deserve.

Until next time … Love & gratitude to all. Xo!

This evening as I was sorting through some paperwork, planning and organizing my week ahead – I came across my son’s senior yearbook order form. Enclosed with that order form, was a form to be completed by friends/family to submit a personalized message to your special graduate. I remember receiving this form a couple of months ago – Like most things, I placed it to the side in a “to-do” folder with the intention of looking over it more thoroughly once I had time. So this evening, when I saw it for the first time since placing it in this folder – I had a genuine moment of panic. I really wanted to submit a message dedicated to my son in his senior year yearbook – He’s graduating high school, for crying out loud! This is an accomplishment. He is a great kid – never causes me any of your typical “teen-ager” trouble (aside from the fact that I feel as though he could possibly communicate a little more – mostly to me – and maybe show a little more diligence in picking up after himself and things of this nature, of course). I am well aware that in comparison to some of the horror stories I hear, this is all trivial on the grand scheme of things – “normal” stuff, I’m told. Nothing major. For which, I am incredibly grateful. I’ve always said that he made my very “trial-n-error” run at being his mother … very easy. He’s simply a good person. A good kid. An old soul. He was born that way. On a daily basis, I take very little credit for this outcome. Hence, he is more than deserving of proper recognition upon his high school graduation. But, wait?!?!? When was the deadline to have this form submitted?!?!? I could feel my heart sinking with each split second until I found the deadline of … MAY 6^th. Whew!!!! Without hesitation, I then said to myself, “Thank God! I don’t suck at this as much as I thought!” In this moment, the powerful message of that sentence hit me right where it hurt the most. Woah …. Really?!?! This is what I think of myself? As a mother? At such an important moment in my son’s life? Yes, why yes – Apparently it is.

Which brings me here. To my first blog post since September 11, 2015 – Again, something I had intended on keeping up with more consistently since then. At least one blog article per week – was my goal. Every week, I acknowledge that this, too – Is left undone. And, I say to myself, “God. I really suck at this.” Sometimes I even go as far to say, “I suck at life.” And, I often say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Or, better yet, “I’m such a failure.” Really?!?! Do I really feel this way about myself? More importantly, is it beneficial to feel this way about myself? Probably not. In fact, I know it is not a productive mindset. However, it is the way I speak to myself much more regularly than I care to admit. It can be a direct result of something trivial. Or something life-altering. It doesn’t matter – The words remain the same. As does this disapproving voice. So, for months now, I’ve been “intending” to write about this very topic – Self-limiting beliefs and negative self-talk. Mostly because I recognize the need to speak of it. To offer my experience with you – So perhaps you no longer feel lonely in the world of berating yourself when you “fail” – Yourself. Your kids. Your spouse. Your pets. Your family. Your employees. Your boss. And everyone else that we feel depends on us – on a consistent basis.

It’s a very vicious cycle of self-sabotage. So how do we change it? How to we begin to be aware of our flaws and areas in need of improvement – yet minimize the voice of fear, self-sabotage, limiting beliefs and negative self-talk?

Here’s the reality – I work with people for a living. I work in a profession, like a bartender or counselor, in which people confide in me with their life stories. Their truths. I hear exactly how they see themselves, on an external and internal basis. I work with them to achieve their desired hairstyle, color and overall “look”, however, in those very intimate, unfiltered moments – I hear all of their insecurities that dive much deeper than their appearances. My profession has taught me very valuable lessons on human nature – and mostly, how much we are more alike than different. How our perception of ourselves often times does not parallel the perception others have of us. I know because it is often times the women that I hold in a very high regard – from their appearances to their contagious spirits – that fight the most severe battles within themselves. It amazes me – the resilience of the human spirit – how we are capable of shoving these negative feelings down so deeply, that our light is still able to shine through this obvious blockage.

This past year, I took extreme strides to begin to change my reality. To regain control of my life, in many areas, in efforts to be more in alignment with my purpose – Mostly, with my authentic self. To begin to minimize the areas in my life in which I was feeling unworthy. Attempting to minimize my deeply rooted flaw of procrastination as means to self-sabotage my own success. There was a moment in time that my failures and flaws became suffocating. On a daily basis, I refused to give myself credit for the things I did right. My only focus became all the things I was continuously doing wrong. This, my friends, is an incredibly unproductive and dangerous place to unpack and live. It was within these moments where that little voice became so loud – that it became unbearable.

It was in this precise moment that I did it. I made the choice to finally do it.

I changed my mindset. I stopped abusing myself. I opened my heart, my mind and my life to a new reality. I began envisioning the life I deserved – I began to silence that paralyzing voice. The voice I refer to as fear.

Fear limits us. It limits our purpose. It limits our dreams. And, it limits our ability to be our authentic selves. It limits our ability to offer the best of ourselves to our loved ones. It was in the moment that I truly BEGAN to realize this reality, that I found the strength to visualize and pursue my new path. One of the greatest lessons I have learned, in my 14 plus years of working with others on such an individualized and personal level, is the truth about authenticity. It is by far the greatest gift we can offer. People tend to resonate with authenticity. It is ultimately what makes us vulnerable to connect on a genuine level with others. The more authentic my spirit and my voice … the more my spirit radiates love. Not only for others, but also a self-love that is gradually diluting my self-limiting beliefs of unworthiness. A love that blossoms into gratitude.

Sometimes, we simply cannot do it all. It doesn’t mean that we are failures. It doesn’t mean that we are unworthy to create a life we deserve. It means that there are lessons folded into these moments. Lessons are valuable pieces of our life’s grand puzzle.

So how do we maintain the forward motion of embracing our flaws with forgiveness and self-love?

I believe it begins with honesty – recognizing the areas in which we are not in alignment with our authenticity. Without being properly aligned with our heart – our soul – and our voice – How can we possibly achieve the clarity that is required to achieve our individual level of success? Clarity is vital to envisioning the life we want – and deserve. Without clarity, we end up resenting our exhausting need to tread water just to keep our heads above water. And, it is here, in this place – that our self-defeating voice attempts to overpower what we otherwise know is true. We are human beings. We are perfectly imperfect. Growth and self-awareness reside within our imperfections. Within our flaws.

My best source of soul food is practicing gratitude.

My second best source of soul food is practicing forgiveness. Both inward and outward.

Authenticity and clarity – Also equally important. Without one, it is very difficult to define the other.

It is almost impossible to manifest the live you want when you have not clearly defined what exactly that looks like – And how all of the variables align with your authentic self.

It would appear, that manifesting the life that speaks to our soul requires a healthy balance of gratitude, forgiveness, clarity and authenticity.

My only regret, of course, is that in the years that I should have been instilling this valuable lesson in my son, I was attempting to figure it all out. His entire childhood has passed us by. I had so many intentions. So many opportunities to right my wrongs. Yet, here we are – just three months from his graduation … And I’m just now, getting the hang of it.

Although, in my heart, I know that it is never too late to rewrite our story ….. Just as it’s never too late to rewrite yours. Until next time … Be kind to yourself.  Forgive yourself. You never know who may be watching.

With gratitude always … Xo.