I began writing this post on Tuesday, March 31st. It is now Wednesday, May 6th. And, I just finished it. On Saturday, April 18th, it marked the 2-year anniversary of my Mammy’s passing. This Friday, May 8th, will mark the 4-year anniversary of my Pappy’s passing. They meant the world to me. My greatest fear is forgetting any detail pertaining to our time spent together. This time of year always renews my milestones in the healing process. Grief. It is a difficult emotion to sort through. It comes in so many forms, for so many reasons.

My hope, is that by reading this post, you find some peace in your grieving or healing process. While situations may vary, our hearts all feel the same emotions. Love & Gratitude … Read on and enjoy.

Today, March 31st, 2015 would have been my Grandmother’s 80th Birthday. We celebrated her last birthday two years ago, today, surrounded by family – in her home, while she was nearing the end of her three month battle with Pancreatic Cancer. Time has not made the loss of her any easier. If anything, I believe I miss her more now than ever. While I understand the circle of life – her life was cut short. She was a healthy, vibrant and active woman. Until she wasn’t. Perhaps I blame cancer. Yes – I definitely blame cancer for stripping our family of a wonderful, strong woman. And, for stripping me of the most unconditional love I’ve ever received. For stripping me of the greatest friendship I’ve ever known. Yet, in the end – It’s not about me at all. It’s about her – and it has been all along. When Mammy was amidst the depths of her illness – I begged my Pappy, who passed away just about 2 years prior, to come and take her with him. To help heal her. To tell her that it was okay – to just let go. To be at peace – with him. Those moments haunt me to this day. Those moments brought me to my knees in pain – And unbearable heartache. I always knew that losing her would be one of my darkest days. And, yes, indeed – the darkest moments of my life were sitting beside her, her hand in mine – feeling the warmth escape her body as she took some of her last breaths. I felt her body temperature decrease as I said my final words to her – as I spoke my permission for her to let go. To reunite with the love of her life. Yes – one of my darkest moments.

I assured her, however, in those final moments – that we would be okay. That we would miss her, and forever love her, but we would be okay. Even though, the truth remains – that I will never be okay with losing her. And, will never be okay with the way that we lost her. At least, not yet. I simply cannot shake the images of our last moments together. More so, however, I cannot shake the overwhelming feeling that Mammy deserved so much more. She deserved peace, not pain. Not suffering. I also believed that she deserved more time. As did we.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve engaged in a couple of conversations about grief. About the grieving process. And, how do we move forward after loving someone so intensely that their loss leaves a vacancy in our lives, hearts and souls? I can only speak from my point of view – from my heart and my truth. In one conversation, we were speaking of our “outlets” for healing. I was asked what my outlet is. And, my answer was writing. Writing has always been a source of healing. For whatever the reason healing was needed throughout my life – my “go-to” has always been writing. I told her about my blog. And admitted that I don’t take nearly the time my spirit feels necessary to write – and to heal. Why is that?? We have the tools, the resources, our answer – And yet – we don’t take the time to do what may be most beneficial to our healing?!?! And to ourselves. Our hearts. Spirits. Quite possibly – by sharing – we may also inspire the healing of another heart. Which brings me to my next point …

The morning my Mammy told me that she received her test results, and that she was diagnosed with cancer, I just happened to have a cancellation at work. Actually two. Back to back – which opened up about three hours of my morning. On an average day, I would have been less than excited about this reality. Possibly even annoyed. This particular day, however – It was a miracle. Normally, I would have stayed at work, sorting through my endless sea of paperwork, or – tackled a couple of items off of my “to-do” list that grows faster than I can possibly manage. I would have simply worked on something else. But, not that day. I left work that day, stopped for lunch – for two – and drove to my Mammy’s house, where she was sitting alone – watching a morning news show. When I got there, I hugged her so tight – in hopes to cure her by my love! I remember sitting next to her and the first sentence that came out of my mouth – after “I love you so much – YOU are my very best friend.” – was, “Is there anything that you want to do? Anywhere you want to go?” She said, “No.” I found so much satisfaction in this, somehow. She knew that her diagnosis wasn’t going to allow her much more time – I suppose her answer offered a sense of relief that she had taken the time to LIVE her life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. About how quickly times passes. This post is the perfect example of this. I started this post over one month ago and am now taking the time to complete my thoughts and share them with you. I began this blog with intentions of sharing layers of my story with you on a weekly basis – my last post was in November! Time and I simply do not have a healthy relationship. It’s as simple as that.

I’m now 36. My baby boy turned 9 this winter and my first baby boy will be turning 18 this year! This feels incredibly surreal to me. I didn’t expect time to pass so quickly. Sometimes I feel as though I’m running out of time. With that being said, this time of year, reflecting on my Grandparents’ deaths and their lives, tends to open the flood gates to my evaluation of my own life. My boys. My husband. Our life. My family. My intentions. Dreams. Purpose. With so many thoughts flooding in, I thought the best place to start is here. With you. Sharing my writing and renewing my commitment to take time out of my very busy day to nurture my own healing. I suppose as the waves of time remove years out from under me – I understand how vital this concept is to living my life. I hope you will do the same – take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to nurture your spirit. Your soul. Your heart. And to live.

I have a running list of topics to write about. To share with you. It’s time. Perhaps by putting it out here, it makes me feel more accountable to follow through. I hope you will continue to follow me on this journey as it is truly a pleasure to share it with you. With love and gratitude, always.