I wrote this on February 10, 2011.  One day before my youngest son turned 5.  Approximately one month before it all began to unravel.  Looking back, I remember how broken my spirit was this day – My life, as I knew it, began to fall down all around me. 

To summarize, despite my most desperate attempts and endless amounts of love and patience – my marriage was in very serious trouble.  Way too complicated to get into – But, I knew, in my heart, that it was coming to an end.  It became so blatantly obvious, almost like a brick to the face – at this point, it was simply out of my control.  My heart – was breaking.  And, wow – was I failing!

Then, the man, in the fancy three-piece suit, who knew nothing about me, my work ethic, the 20 hour work days that I had been putting in for the past three years (yes, you read that right – I was not sleeping – just kept working & drank way too much coffee).  He knew nothing about my passion, my intention – you name it.  He knew nothing about me.  Or, my business, that I had worked so extremely hard to start up, establish and keep open.  He knew nothing about me, personally – like how intensely I love my boys and how desperately I was fighting to make a life that they deserved.  He only had the paperwork.  He only knew the black and white – And Red – numbers.  He didn’t know any of my sacrifices, my family’s sacrifices.  But, he said the words I dreaded to hear.  He made me feel as though I was failing my boys.  He made me feel as though I was failing everyone involved on this journey.  Everyone that was trusting in me.  He told me that he just couldn’t see how I could possibly keep my business open.  He said that my Dream was no longer viable.  Talk about a Big, Huge Kick to the spirit!  I almost couldn’t get back up.

Amidst these painful realizations of my many failures, one of the most heart breaking experiences of my life had taken course – My Pappy was dying.  My Grandfather and one of my Biggest Fans.  My mentor. My voice of wisdom, reason, integrity.  One of the most morally sound individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. One of my life’s greatest heroes; He and Mammy – Well, they were everything good that was inside of me.  They molded me. And they offered me something that so many others did not – They believed in me, whole-heartily. No matter what.  They never put me on the back burner.  They always had time to spend with me and my boys, in fact – they even enjoyed us.  Their love was the definition of unconditional.  Pappy – Yes, he was one incredible man. And, it was around this time, that we knew the inevitable was happening.  Life, and our family, was going to lose our pillar of strength.  The man that overflowed with family values and honesty.  And, worse than this – was the fact that his Best Friend, his Life Partner, the Love of his Life – Was about to lose him.  After over 60 years of marriage, five children and more grand and great-grandchildren than I can count – death was about to part them.  I would’ve done anything to heal the pain in my Mammy’s eyes.  To rid her of her fears.  It was the beginning of our end.  My heart was breaking into, what felt like, millions of pieces, while his heart – was slowly surrendering to congestive heart failure …

On this night, February 10, 2011, I put my boys to bed and after falling to my knees, in the middle of my kitchen, with tears streaming down my face, with the most severe feeling of heartbreak – I did what anyone would do.  I got up – Sat in front of my computer and I began writing as honestly as I could – in that moment.  I wrote in hopes to numb some of the heartache.  And somehow – discover my inner strength.  Please, read on …

“Perhaps it’s in the moment when you no longer recognize the eyes that are looking back at you through the reflection of a mirror.  Or maybe, it’s the moment when you speak of your passion and are no longer able to allow your smile to dance across your words.  When love leaves us broken and abandoned. Fears make us weak.  When you can no longer bear the weight of your own skin.  And your heart is so heavy – it anchors you – suffocating your next breath.  Yes, it is these moments that define us. In the face of our failures.  In the moments when we are looking our greatest fears in the eyes.  Dreams appear unattainable.  Our spirit is broken.  Our love is betrayed.  When truth is weakened.  Our voices are silent.  When our tears run dry.  And days turn to nights … nights turn to days.  We awake – only to discover that we’re alone. Words become degrading.  When poison tarnishes your soul.  And anger controls our tongue.  Our eyes turn to stone.  Guilt consumes our thoughts.  And our intentions misunderstood. 

It is in these moments – that we are defined.  And it is in these moments … that we discover our Strength.”

I wrote this on January 3, 2014 – with a heavy heart and a new perspective on life.

Last Christmas, she asked me to add “thumb-print” cookies to my list of cookies being made for the Holidays.  Of course, my intention was to make her the cookies, as she requested.  I spent hours, maybe even days making all my usual cookies.  Diligently working through my list, in efforts to make love-filled gifts for my close friends and family.  The hours closed in on me, as they always tend to do, and I realized that time was running out.  How could I not fulfill her ONE request ~ “thumb-print” cookies?!?!?!  It was okay, so I thought.  It was okay, because there was always next Christmas.  Or her Birthday. Or. Or. Or …
But the harsh reality was, that after everything she had done for me throughout my entire life; her love and her time, both endless and completely unconditional … how could I not fulfill what ended up being her final request?!?!?
Within the next month, life as I knew it came crashing down.  It was crashing down all around me.  It hit me so hard, my spirit broke.  January 17th, 2013.  That was the day it all began.  That was the day I realized the significance of those cookies.  It was the day I realized the importance of living each day as if it was her last.  As if it were our last.
9:00 in the morning, January 17th, 2013 …
I made my usual call.  Her voice was shaky. Sad. And tired.  For the first time ever, she said, “I have been dreading your call this morning”.  I was appropriately shocked! She has never spoken to me in such a way.  Her voice always lifted when she heard me say Good Morning!  What was wrong??  What could be so wrong? Did I do something?  What was she not telling me?? In the moment it took for her to speak the sentence, our life changed.  January 17th, was the beginning of our end.  One of the most painful realizations for both of us.  She was my Best Friend.  She was responsible for almost everything good in me.  My foundation.  My wind beneath my wing.  She was one of my biggest fans.  No one has ever loved me the way she had.  No one understood me quite as she did.  Yes, she was my very Best Friend!  My angel here on earth.  My Hero.  So, how could this be??  That she was sitting there, all alone, dreading our morning phone call?!?!?
Her voice, it shook as she spoke the words … “I have cancer”.  No.  There must be some kind of mistake!  Even if it is true, it will be fine.  All will be fine!  She was just fine.  Tired.  But healthy.  Everything … will … be … fine … right??  “No, they aren’t wrong.  And, no, I’m not going to be fine.  I know what’s wrong with me and, well … it isn’t good.  I dreaded telling you this.  I was dreading your phone call this morning.”  I’m pretty certain that in that exact moment, someone punched me in the stomach and ripped my heart out of my chest – All at the same exact time.  No. Please.  Can’t we just go back??  Can’t we just go back and create a new story???  Please?!?!?  Never, has life felt so out of control.  Never, has time felt so precious and so fragile.  Never, have I felt so desperate for time.  Had I known this, I would’ve made those cookies.  I would’ve made so many of those cookies!  She always told me, “not to put off to tomorrow, what you can do today”.  She was always so aware of the fragility of an opportunity.  Of time.  For as certain as we are to assume “tomorrow will come”, she always urged me to think outside of that mindset. 
This Christmas, as I made all of my cookies, all I could think about was my bold assumption that we would share another holiday this year.  My assumption that she would still be here.  And I thought about how wrong I was.  How incredibly fragile time is.  How fragile love is.  How fragile life is.
It is impossible to turn back the hands of time.  It is impossible to go back and do everything as we would have – had we simply known.  She always told me, and in the end, she taught me such a grand lesson; To treat those we love as if it is our last moment with them.  To live each day as if it were our last. And to be sure that we find comfort in the last words we spoke to those we love.
As I evaluate myself, my time, my life … As I find myself in this place of reflection.  In this place of healing.  It all seems so simple.  It all seems so clear.  Each moment is a special occasion.  And, we should treat all moments as such.  If this were my very last moment here, with this person, in this place, on this day … What would I say to make sure they know how I feel??  What would I do to make this moment extra special for them??  On her Birthday, 18 days before she lost her courageous battle to Pancreatic Cancer, we celebrated!  We celebrated BIG!  That day … we celebrated her last Birthday SO BIG, as BIG as we could think to celebrate it … with the sole intention of making her feel special, hearing her laugh and seeing a smile dance across her face … To give her, one last special day.
Yes.  In her final moments, she taught me the most valuable lessons.  In the end, isn’t THIS what is important ~ to share laughter and love, our hearts and our souls, to be the reason someone’s eyes light up and a smile dances so gracefully across their face??  It is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to those we love.  Our heart.  Our energy.  And to make each moment feel like a special occasion … Just because we can. 
I dedicate 2014 to this mantra.  I dedicate 2014 to the many, many lessons of my Best Friend; to her lovely spirit and to all the moments in which we shared “special occasions”.  Just because we could.  And just because we had each other to share the moment with …

Welcome to my first public blog, “One Heart’s Voice”!  While my original intention of beginning my blog was to offer others a perspective that was relatable, hopeful, positive, maybe even inspiring – what I have come to realize, is that this blog is actually an important aspect to my healing.  Maybe at the end of the day, it is my attempt to begin my most vulnerable, raw and powerful journey of healing yet.  Perhaps it is even for selfish reasons that I feel the time is now.  Right now. Right here – with you.

So often, my thoughts overwhelm my mind to a point where sleep is foreign and I feel as though I am simply bursting with things to say!  To share.  Please, allow me to introduce myself.  I am a 35-year-old Mother of one young man and one younger boy.  A Business Owner. A Hair Stylist. A Boss. A Service Provider. A Writer. A Daughter. A Sister. An Aunt. A Friend.  And – An Avid Observer.  This blog will offer you my heart’s voice, pertaining to it all.  Writing has always been one of my greatest passions and one of my most powerful means of healing. A passion that I would be honored to share with you.

Last week, like most weeks, I had so many realizations about society, life & the power of positive energy.  My mind was racing with realizations!  Perhaps I simply had too much time to think, recently returning home from a vacation in which I drove 12 hours there and 14 hours home.  Definitely more time to think than usual.  But, who am I really kidding?  I’m a thinker by nature.  And, as I said – A very avid observer.  I found myself thinking – What if we offered a more positive perspective on things, such as the news – would we then have the ability to manifest more positive results?  If we shared our true, authentic self to others – would we manifest people in our lives that possess the ability to appreciate us, deep down to the core of our being?  I found myself pondering how to wrap myself around feeling powerless when faced with adversity?  How to muster up hope when hope is the furthest thing from what we feel?  How to maintain and open mind and open heart when, in fact – We are simply too broken?  How do we properly balance grieving and healing – without allowing our loss to consume our spirits and our lives?  And, with Summer coming to a rapid close, my boys growing up way too quickly, and in my desperate attempt to find time – it led me to question my – very unhealthy – relationship with time.  I’ve actually been thinking so intensely about these things that it brought me here. To you. With you. On this journey of sharing and healing.

Last night, I had a dream that shook me to my core.  I awoke from this dream at exactly 3:33am.  It got me thinking so intensely.  So much so, that I googled the meaning of the repetitive numbers of “3-3-3” – right there. At that exact moment. In my bed – half asleep.  In doing so, I received the exact message of encouragement and enlightenment that I so desperately needed. I woke up knowing that the time was now to share my writing. To share my voice. The delay in doing so, was due to my extremely self-limiting beliefs that no one would be interested in my writing. That no one would hear the voice I so genuinely wished to share. Still, perhaps these self-limiting beliefs are true, maybe what I have to offer is of no interest to you. However, I decided to explore the possibilities, anyway – to take that leap of faith that someone WILL be interested in hearing my voice. Maybe even appreciate it. Perhaps something I offer will lead to an “ah-ha” moment for someone that needs it – in that exact moment.  And, if … by some small miracle, my writing has the ability to inspire just one other heart, influence just one other life, or offer hope to just one other soul … my purpose will be fulfilled.

Now, please, understand – I do not promise you all positive perspectives – filled with flowers, rainbows and fairy tale endings.  What I will promise you – is my truth.  Pertaining to life.  All aspects of it.  Either through observation of others, or – through my own life experiences.  A lot of people may not agree with my decision to offer my heart, thoughts and opinions in such a vulnerable manner, however, if it is my truth – most likely, it may be yours.  While specifics of each circumstance may vary – I do believe, that the end of the day, our underlying emotions and feelings all feel very similar, if not – the same.  With the many hats we wear in any given moment – we are more alike than we are different. In a world full of Naysayers, I offer my deepest gratitude to everyone that has offered their encouragement and asked me to share my story & heart. My hope is to inspire you, while offering you my truth – and my heart’s voice.   With Love & Gratitude ~ Erin